Hair of the Bloody Dog

After Halloween haunts you with a hangover, mix up a batch of these to squash your ache and pains. When the kids start crying at 6am on Sunday, you are going to need some Sexy help...until you can nap that afternoon. Here's to tricking your treats...

The Classic Bloody Mary

• 1 quart tomato juice
• 1 cup vodka
• 1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
• 1 tablespoon fresh lime juice
• 1/2 teaspoon Tabasco Sauce
• lime slices
• celery stalks (optional)
• add a dash of top shelf tequila for an extra kiss of death
• top with a jumbo shrimp

2 Fridges, 1 Cup

I am fridge whore. I love them. So much that I have two. It is the only place I am organized. Every time one is opened it is like looking into a magazine; all labels facing outward, rows organized by type and purpose, leafy greens bursting from the drawers. The garage fridge is for the booze and overflow of Baby's milk, juice and yogurts...we haven't grabbed the wrong item yet! 

I feel overcome with joy when I look into my fridge, like I am doing something as a mother that at least looks pretty and right. 

My problem is that we are moving for the winter. Into a rental that has, gasp, One. Tiny. Fridge. 

 I am frozen with fright as I try to imagine a world where I have to take stuff out to get to the mustard squished way in the back between the Double Shot and goat cheese, that I actually forgot was back there because I can't see it. I start double buying things because I don't know they are there, the beer is warm because the milk gets first refusal, and I can't find what smells so bad! I get so frustrated that I stop going in there altogether, we start eating take out every night and become the typical family they find rotted in front of reruns of MASH. 

At least we will be there for the winter...I can make an igloo in the back and all the neighbors will have Fridge Envy once again. 

I NEED to Pee

My friends know by now that my bladder is small. Road trips are a nightmare: I try to hold it in, rhythmically rocking like Rain Man, trying to pretend I am really into the music, until someone glances at my sweaty hands that are also bleeding from my nails and asks, "Oh, do you have to pee?" This ritual repeats itself every 30 minutes or so. When I substitute taught it was horrible. How do you leave a classroom of kids alone so you can run to the teacher's lounge and go? No one briefed me on that. 

Post-baby my bladder isn't smaller, but the muscles are quite weak and the lovely advice, "Just hold it" doesn't work. By the time I say, "I have to pee," I have already peed. 

I used to carry extra panties in the car in case I got lucky. Now I carry them in case I get caught behind a bus.

My UnSexy Naptime today: I had to go to Babies R Us to get another Pack and Play. We pulled into the lot and I had to go so badly that making it into the store wasn't an option. If I even thought about lifting Baby out of his seat--Game Over. 

I have started carting a Thermos around with me for such purposes. I pity the one who someday uses that for tea. It holds about 20 oz, which I have found to be perfect. I have it down so passersby have no idea what is going on. I back my seat up, wiggle the pants down, schooch bum to edge of seat, go, redress and dump the contents no the asphalt, all while singing to Baby in the backseat. 

Today however, as I was raising the mug, it hit my thigh and half of it dumped all over my legs and arm. OMG. It was vitamin pee as well. 

No extra pants or shirt, but I had to go into the store. Since my son is very cute he draws lots of attention. Whenever an admirer leaned in to compliment his eyelashes, they would quickly back away, "Ooopsy, SOMEONE needs a diaper change." 

Thank god he is too little to rat me out. I can only imagine what he would say. 

Flushing out the Period Panties

No matter how sexy the Victoria's Secret models look wearing giant cotton panties, the truth is very few of us can carry that look off. They are like the sushi of panties--better left to the pros. Yet, over the past few years, those horrible square items have smothered my Hanky Pankys and have become the default garment much to the dismay of, well, everyone.  

Most girls have a few hidden pairs of worn, shabby underpants they reserve for "that time of the month." After a good long bleach bath, they are hidden from god until the next time of the month. But to let them overtake the lingerie drawer is a tragic state that I have let happen. 

So today's Sexy Naptime tip is to pick out a few pairs to save for the dark days and burn the rest. 

Massive Grannie panty lines is something no one deserves to be forced to look at. Should we feel the need to get tons of "suck it in" coverage, that is why Spanx were invented...also something never to be caught walking around the house in! Your lover will move into the guest room after that visual. 

G2GUL Friday!

Annnnnnd it is Guaranteed to Get U Laid Friday! The best day of the week because...well, it works! 

We always include some sexy recipe to make for your lover but we are also going to start The Un-Sexy Tip of the Week segment on Fridays. 

TODAY'S UNSEXY TIP OF THE WEEK: Talking about or eating in public any sort of yogurt whose main goal is to make you go poop is NOT sexy!!

Very Sexy Cocktail RELATED LINKS 5 Cool Cocktails Ingredients: 1-1/2 oz. Belvedere Cytrus Vodka  3/4-oz. Marie Brizard Cassis de Bordeaux  1-1/2 oz. fresh lemon sour  Moet White Star Champagne  marinated wild berries Directions: Marinate raspberries and blackberries for 6 hours in superfine sugar and Grand Marnier.  Make simple syrup by dissolving an equal amount of granulated sugar in boiling water (i.e., 2 cups sugar dissolved in 2 cups boiling water) and then allow to cool. Store in a clean bottle in a cool place. To make fresh lemon sour simply mix 2 parts fresh, filtered lemon juice with 1 part simple syrup. Add a teaspoon of egg white to each drink for a creamy head.  Place cocktail glasses in the freezer to chill (this can also be accomplished by filling them with ice and water).  In a 16 oz. mixing glass add fresh lemon sour, Cassis and Belvedere Cytrus. Add ice and shake until well blended.  Strain into a chilled cocktail glass with marinated berries, top with 1/2-oz. chilled Champagne.

Arouse the Senses...all 8 of them

In Kindergarten, the whole year is spent smelling (some awful things no doubt), feeling (after a lesson on "above the waist only, dear), tasting (oooh, not off the floor!!) etc. After we are 5, it seems we spend less time on percolating the senses and that is a shame, because when they are all firing, we get some lovely responses. 

When we are dating, or in lust with someone, we also spend more time activating our sensual beings: the sun shines more brightly, music has more meaning, everything tastes better...It is a sad thing to let lapse, so today's Sexy Naptime is to spend 15 minutes getting back in touch with at least 3 senses at once. 

For my listening pleasure, I am going to play Love and Liberte by the Gipsy Kings. This so is so sexy. I can actually feel the hands of a Spanish lover on me as we tango...of, course I am also an amazing dancer in this fantasy. 

While I am being lured across the dance floor, I am enjoying a cup of Tulsi's Rose Tea. Yes, I am that coordinated. How is drinking the light essence of a rose not one of the most romantic things you can enjoy on a misty afternoon? I know there is a Zen rule: When drinking tea, just drink tea...but for my purpose, you can expand your horizons and multi-task. 

For my third component, I am wearing this incredible purple boa-esque scarf that I treated myself to from Neiman's. When my son had it draped over his shoulders, it seemed almost pimpish, but alone it is thousands of tickely fingers around my neck. 

Fifteen minutes, that's all it takes to reconnect with those sensual beings we have buried and neglected for mopping and laundry...enjoy.

Detox Your Box

I received an email about a charity event coming up called "Detox your Toybox." I assume it is to donate under-used toys. Though funny how when faced with parting with a truck that hasn't been touched in months, all of a sudden it is Baby Boy's "most favorite." Cleaning out clutter is a wonderful way to spend a Sexy Naptime--or twelve--you can wear the frilly outfit if it makes you feel better. 

This is the first week that I have been Maid-Free. The word Maid is probably very un-PC and conjures up wonderful images of a uniform clad English woman waking me up with an espresso served in a vintage demitasse each morning.

Our "maid", whom I was allowed to hire when I preggo since (allegedly) the smell of chemicals make me sick, actually made the house messier. Her slogan was, "I won't sweep it under the rug." That is true--mainly because she never moved a rug or chair or anything. She was the master of cleaning around things. I had to clean up before she came and again after she left--and I never got coffee out of the deal. And over the past few months she started bringing along her 78-year old mother "to help" but I found her asleep in the guest room twice! At least she was sleeping and not Option B. 

But it was someone to help out and I never complained. However, a year and a half after giving birth, Darling Husband called me out on the waste of money since as far as he could tell, if the smell of tequila didn't make me sick, why would Windex?

So today finds me cleaning the house. Yet apparently she took all of our cleaning supplies because all I could find was an old bottle of Resolve. Yay! Target trip tomorrow!

Since I can't Detox the Toybox so to speak, let's talk about Detoxing the other Box, which is probably no less underused and filled with cobwebs. 

Our dear Vaginas. They are crying out for some seasonal cleaning. Google searching "How to Cleanse Your Vagina" actually tells one not to douche, especially as a form of birth control since it can push the spermies further into the vagina. (A fun tip to save for when you ARE trying to get preggo.) 

But as we all know appearances are the key to the sex game, so make a reservation to get a Brazilian. Don't even tell your lover what you are plotting--the reaction is half of the fun. And wah-wah no they don't hurt that bad. Heaven's woman--you squeezed a baby out of there!

Plus, as we all know, beauty is pain--and that little trip to Rio is so worth it.