Wednesday, December 14, 2011

A Fantasy Wish List, of sorts

Hi everyone. This is Baby Boy. My mom is exhausted so I am letting her sleep while I hack into her computer. Your password is my birthday? Great security measure, Mom. I updated it to the geographical coordinates of Moscow, just because I can.

I didn’t find any big secrets worth sharing with you, dear reader. I did find her Christmas list, however. I think the Not Yet Invented division of Santa’s workshop closed because of union disputes but here is her sad wish list should any of you feel simultaneously creative and giving.

Maggie’s Wish List 2011.
1) Scented Markers. Baby Boy keeps asking for art supplies, which reminds me of when scented markers were all the rage in 1983. When else would art time turn into fight club? We had gang wars over the red one. Whoever got it would lock themselves in the bathroom inhaling cherry fumes like an addict. Beware if you crossed me! I would hold you down and make you smell the black licorice one until you cried.

I promise the art suppliers that if you make fantasy-friendly scents geared toward Mom, your profits, as well as quality crafting time with the fam, would skyrocket. Potential flavors: Orange/Mimosa. Black/New Mercedes Leather. Green/Angelina Jolie’s Emerald. Pink/St. Barth’s Sand. Yellow/George Clooney.

2) Vitamin Nail Polish. Moms chase their kids to force vitamins down their throats, but how often do we remember to take ours? But we always remember to do our nails! Vitamin fortified polish promises a gorgeous chip-free finish all while time-releasing calcium, B-12, biotin and vitamin D into the bloodstream. Ooo, maybe they can do a special one with time-released caffeine!

3) Mommy Seeking Missile. At some point these wars will be over and all those defense technicians will need projects. Start developing a small missile that attaches to the backs of kids. Anytime the wee one has wandered off at the park or is hiding under the clothing rack at the mall, the Mommy Seeking Missile activates zooming them safely back to their parent.

4) Designer Doggie Bags. Carrying around telltale plastic bags of dog poo is one of my least favorite activities. Right down there with hop scotch (see below). What if there were biodegradable poo bags that looked like the most fabulous designer purses? What better reward than fashion for scooping up steamy droppings? Sparkly Coach wristlets for toy poodles and Chihuahuas. Chanel leather shoulder bags for terriers and boxers. Hermes Birkin for St. Bernards and Sheepdogs. Walking the dog at 5am in the rain is your new runway!

5) Whine Activated Mouthpieces. à la the Grinch. “That’s the one thing he hated. The noise, noise, noise, noise, noise!” By noise I am sure he meant whining. Are you with me that something has to be done about whining? What about a device that detects whining and plays your favorite song instead? It regulates tempo to the rhythm of the foot stomping and arm waving. Now your little whiner becomes an endless, entertaining source of Madonna, Radiohead and Bob Dylan. (This also works for complaining spouses. “What’s that? I didn’t do the dishes? Well, let’s just talk about that while you perform California Gurls again, Miss Perry!”)

6) Depends Leg Warmers. Once you have kids, sneezing, coughing and jumping jacks are dreaded occurrences. God forbid all three happen at once. Since leg warmers are a big trend right now, designers should line them with extra-absorbent materials that discreetly wick away loose drips and drops. Jumping rope? Sounds super! Let me just grab my leg warmers, wink!

Here is my dad’s wish list:
1) Find way to get Maggie to stop eating granola in my car. (Doesn’t she know 50% of it falls between the seats???)
2) Find a way to get Maggie to make me more steak.

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