Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Sexy Snack Tip of the Day

Don't let your trainer catch you shoving a chocolate croissant in your mouth he A) won't believe it is a protein bar and B) make you do squats until you leak pee.

Monday, March 29, 2010

It's Getting Hot in Here, So Take off All Your Clothes...

Darling Husband, Baby Boy and I were enjoying an early dinner at the pub after skiing yesterday. We were sitting by the fireplace and it was roasting our already steaming souls.

"Aren't you sweating?" DH asked as he pulled at his wool sweater layered over his long john shirt.

"It feels like it is 105 degrees. Why don't you take off your sweater?" I turned away looking to see if we could move to a table away from the inferno.

When I turned back DH was sitting there naked from the waist up, obvious oblivious to his newly found coolness, as he handed Baby Boy crayons.

"Dear God, NO!" I yelped garnering the attention of all the surrounding tables.

Mortified, Dh yanked his undershirt from the tangled mess of discarded clothes.

It got us 2 free rounds of margaritas. Who knew DH had an inner stripper?

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Somewhat Sexy Naptime

Can it be considered a true Sexy Naptime if during "the (fabulously spontaneous) afternoon delight" you realize when you were out skiing the DOG had been on the couch and therefore you immediately break out in hives and sneezes?

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Sexy Gorp

I love trail mix. Actually, I love picking the M & M's out of the trail mix and calling it a day.

I made the mistake of eating some trail mix in front of Baby Boy the other day. He, of course, as he is in a Monkey-See Monkey phase, wanted some.

I picked out microscopic pieces of peanuts and some soft raisins to dump into his jungle bowl (the only thing he will eat out of these days). He gobbled it up and asked for "Mo! Mo!"

On this second helping, a damn M & M made its way into his bowl. When he quickly asked for "Mo!" I saw his bowl was still full, minus the chocolate. Now, like mother like son, he is quite adept at picking out the
M & M's from amidst the raisins and nuts and calling it a day.

I don't know why I just stop kidding myself and start buying bags of plain M & M's. I guess it feels healthier this way.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Toddler on a Plane Part 2

The flight home was hell. Four hours of a screaming, hollering, tantrum throwing toddler. Yes, I was THAT person that everyone wanted to toss from the emergency exit at 40,000 feet.

All the DVD's, special toys, snacks, stickers, dinosaurs, magnadoodles were for naught (thank god I saved the receipts)...our attempts at distraction pissed him off more causing fellow travelers to make mental notes to schedule vasectomies and tube tyings for Monday.

Thirty minutes from landing, Darling Husband and I sweaty, exhausted and humilated, ordered a bottle of wine from a flight attendant who could only hope the bottle would be used as a club.

Chug. Chug. Chug from us.

Silence from Baby Boy.

After all that and all we had to do was give him an airline wine bottle and wadded napkins for him to stuff inside. (With maybe a drop or two leftover for good measure.)

Monday, March 15, 2010

Toddler on a Plane, part 1

It was in the moment Baby Boy bolted down the airplane aisle and crashed through the first- class curtain that I thought this trip was a bad idea.

It was in the moment the flight attendant deposited said yowling child on my lap (as an intercom voice reminded us that “the first class cabin is for ticketed passengers only”) that everyone else thought this trip was a bad idea.

A few years back there was a B-list horror movie called Snakes on a Plane. I put forth to those who wrote this theatrical gem that if you are in need of a sequel, Toddler on a Plane will guarantee an unprecedented fear of flying...

Friday, March 12, 2010

Sexy Caramel Delights

Girl Scout Cookie time has arrived.

My husband mandated that this year I was only allowed to order 5 boxes of Caramel Delights after ordering 3 cases when I was pregnant (and eating them all). I had a call from my little Scout saying she would leave the treats on my porch. The vision of those purple boxes filled with sinful goodness kept me going that whole day.

Until I got home and realized some woodland creature had been there first.

Oh, so sad.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Sexy Quote of the Day

I over heard a mother of 3 lamenting the fact that her husband had accused her of sleeping around.

"I don't know if I am more insulted that he thinks I am having an affair or that he thinks I have that much free time."

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Sexy Book Swap

Last year, I ordered a book on Amazon for a graduate class I was taking. I left ordering and reading it until the last minute so it wasn't until it was way too late that I noticed the screw up.

The book had the cover, title, author etc. of the book I purchased, but the pages were a mish- mosh from several adolescent coming-of-age novellas. Someone had put a lot of time and care into doctoring this book for a measly $2.49 profit.

Last week, I ordered some books for Baby Boy. Since I may get sued for trademark infringement, all I will say is that they are about a mouse that rhymes with Daisy. There is one where she takes a bath-my son's current obsession.

I had never read this installment so I am going along and all of a sudden the mouse's friend is up in the bathroom stripping down in order to join her in the tub. I could almost hear the "bao chica bao baooooo" background music start. Had I been duped again with some sicko who gets their kicks from turning innocent tales of friendship into lezzie porn?

Nope. The final page shows the BFF's platonically splashing about. I guess I am the sicko--unless there is a sequel I don't know about...

Monday, March 8, 2010

Sexy Celebrity Names

My son has a habit lately of giving everyone in the surrounding area a celebrity name a la TomKat and Brangelina, though with far fewer syllables.

Today I have been paired with...
Nana and the dog: MaNaWoof
His lunch: MaMiCheese
and his diaper: MaPoooooPoooooo---which I sincerely hope doesn't stick.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Sexy Double Gifting

I always feel guilty when someone brings a gift to Baby Boy that he already has.

"Oh, I hope he doesn't have this already," they say.

"No! He does not!" I say as I slide the offending duplicate under the chair with my foot.

We have an elderly relative staying with us and when she brought out a gift she had kindly brought for Baby Boy I knew it was one he already had.

"Oh, I hope he doesn't have this one," she shakily smiled.

"No, but I know he will love it," I lie.

As fast as lightening, that little bugger ran into the other room and toddled back in with the toy he already had and placed it next to the twin, proud as pie that he had reunited the match.

I hope she forgets by dinner.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Sexy Potty Power

We are not officially starting to potty train Baby Boy, but his utter fascination in flushing things--ranging from toilet paper (good!) to socks (eh) to my iPod (bad!) forced me to take drastic actions to distract from the real thing. I think we are alone keeping the local plumber and septic tank company in the black.

So I bought a little training potty figuring he can "flush" things all day long, no harm no foul.

Last night I found him sitting there holding his monkey under one arm, bottle under the other and thumbing through the New York Times.

...and by the New York Times I mean Sports Illustrated.

...and by Sports Illustrated I mean the Victoria's Secret catalogue.

Like father like son.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Sexy Immunity

Whoooo--89% of my friends with kids have been struck with a rather violent illness over the past week.
KNOCK KNOCK on wood that we have dodged the bullet on this one. I guess forcing Baby Boy to consume spinach, beet, carrot and ginger juice morning has it's rewards--other than his fascinating beet-colored red poop.