Sunday, October 31, 2010

Sexy Halloween

Our current neighborhood isn't the Mecca of Halloween like the one I grew up in was; people actually bussed country kids in to Trick or Treat on my street. Some years we gave away 400 peanut butter cups (not counting the 200 I single handedly ate, which is why I cannot give away Reese's or I will eat them all).

But this year I was determined to have a real Halloween. So I got us all cowboy costumes. Baby Boy would have nothing to do with his. He even resorted to tossing his boots down the cat door. So, DH and I were dressed like we lived in Montana circa 1860 and Baby Boy looked like he worked at modern day LL Bean.

We got one knock on the door from the 8-year old neighbor who didn't even have a candy sack because, "it didn't really go with her outfit." We walked to the other neighbor's only to get sucked into a chocolate martini party.

But she had a pumpkin full of Reese's, I ate about 45, so all turned out fine.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Sexy Hygiene

My son loves "washing his hands." He ends up entirely soaked, diaper and all, but he gets an A for effort.

After lunch, when hummus was slathered in his hair, ("Jus ike Dada mousse!" he explained) I asked him to go into the bathroom and wash his hands while I did post-lunch damage control (by calling the dog in to lick up the mess).

It was quiet in there and I didn't hear the faucet on...moments later I find him elbow deep in the toilet. "Jus ike baf time," he explained.

"Yes," I sighed. "That is exactly where you are going now," I say trying to ignore the "eu du toilette" water dripping off his face.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Sexy Pizza

We went to a local pizza place for dinner tonight. The patrons breakdown as thus: 50% are there to watch football, 49% are divorced dads there for their weekly dinner with the kids and 1% is us.

Darling Husband dropped me off at the door so I could snag a table while he parked with Baby Boy. The crowd of 20-something smokers that made it nearly impossible to pass without "show me your boobies, baby!" was thick. But I was hungry.

We ended up in a booth abutting a single dad on a first date (along with his toddler son as wingman) with an an eager-to-please woman and T-boning our table were the rowdy smokers I had the pleasure of meeting on the way in.

At one point, one of the obnoxiously drunk smoker's keys slipped from his back pocket and jangled to the floor. That sound is music to any kid's ears. The toddler, whose dad was sucking cheese off his date's tongue, flopped to the floor and grabbed the keys. He happily hopped back into the booth where the keys found a new home at the bottom of his dad's beer mug.

I wonder how many boobies it will take to get him a new set.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Sexy as a $2 Bill...

A few years ago, the strip club in town started giving change in the form of $2 bills--this way, patrons would be forced to tip the dancers more. So, there is a running joke anytime has a $2 bill that they have been to Platinum.

In my every-so-often raid of Baby Boy's piggy bank for coffee money ( I always pay it back,with interest) I found three $2 bills of them wadded to the side. (I guess I am not the only one sneaking quarters now I am??)

An hour later, at Starbucks, I handed them over with the obligatory, "I swear I am not a stripper."

"Yeah, yeah, that's what you all say," the barrista said as he tried to touch the offending money as little as possible.

"Those may have been in a thong, but I promise it wasn't mine," I joked.

He eyed me for a second. "Actually, you do look like you could be one."

Since I was dressed for a business meeting, that was certainly the wrong back-handed compliment to give me. So I stole a biscotti. Boom Chick-a Boom, Starbucks.

Monday, October 18, 2010

It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like...

It is October and damn all the seasons and holidays in between now and Christmas!

I don't know why the stores torture us by slipping fake snow into their windows now (under the guise of spider webs) and just leave the damn stuff up all year, elves and all.

Giftmas is never that far from the children's minds, why shouldn't it be from my credit card's either?

Baby Boy and I were having brunch on Saturday when a little girl, about 4, next to us piped up,
"Daddy, I know where Santa lives."

"Where's that, honey?" he was so interested he didn't even look up from his coffee.

"The South Portland!"

In her defense A) her mom may live in South Portland, also where the mall is and B) The North Pole and South Portland are pretty much the same come February.

Happy Hallo-Giving-Mas!


It is never a good sign when a man exits the restroom while you are waiting with the Sunday Times and a 30 oz coffee mug.

But desperate times...

Baby Boy dashed past the man's legs, stopped short and yelled, "PEEEEEEE UUUUUU!"

over. and over. and over.

I mumbled a sorry to the guy and I readied myself for a few minutes of mouth breathing.

Why can't we have those awesome French stalls that wash themselves b/t each use??

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Sexy Politicians

Once of the reasons I love living in the country is that we never have to see anyone. And after 7-years, we have trained our neighbors (as lovely as they are) that we dread the unannounced "drop by."

( We like about a month notice.)

So, when I was cleaning up from dinner, the doorbell rang. Darling Husband and I spun around to make panicked eye contact.

"Who the hell could that be at this hour?" he growled. (It was 5:37.)

We froze in hopes that despite of every light in the house blaring, that the visitor/intruder would figure no one was home.


DH fled up the stairs to get some pants on over his boxers and I stood against the fridge in the kitchen's one blind spot.

I heard the door open and Baby Boy say, as politely as any mother could wish,

"Ey-yo. Come on in!"

I was there in a second to see a man running for State Senate handing him a pamphlet.

"Ask him if he's a Republican," I coached my 2-year old.

"You Pelican?"


"Kay!" SLAM.

I guess we have a new doorman.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Johnny Depp Jr?

Baby Boy and I went to a local inside play area during the rain yesterday. I had lost sight of him for a bit, but knew he was OK.

A little while later, I saw him stroll by wearing a top hat and cape, carrying a naked black baby doll and a broom in one hand and pushing a shopping cart filled with dinosaurs with the other.

I think he may be onto the next Johnny Depp/Tim Burton character.

At least I have a Halloween option now.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Top 9 Ways You Know You Are Too Tired for Nookie

Having toddlers--or any aged kids for that matter--is exhausting for both parents and at the end of the day there isn't a ton of energy left for Nookie time. But we still make the effort. Here is a list that you may want to consider if you are wondering if you are way to tired to roll in the hay.

You actually want the kids to wake up during foreplay.

Your partner doesn't realize that for the past 7-minutes he has been groping your ribs instead.

You wish there was a TiVo to FF to the end.

You actually spend loads of time flossing in hopes s/he will be asleep when you are done.

You consider sneaking to the car and drinking the rest of the day-old coffee in your travel mug.

You mistake his ZZZZZZ's for purrs of pleasure.

You count thrusts instead of sheep.

You lie and say you are ovulating or on your period, whichever is scarier to them.

You both (fake) orgasm together.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Sexy Kitchen Toys

I made the mistake of introducing my Spirali as "Mama's fabulous new kitchen toy!"

I know Baby Boy does not think making zucchini into pasta is fun (I, on the other hand, was counting down the hours until dinnertime), however all he heard was, "blah blah blah TOY."

I found him (and my machine, parts akimbo) in the living room while he attempted to ride the thing like a fire engine, sound effects and all.

I guess dinner will have to be take out. I am really extra bummed because this was the first thing I have ever won on eBay!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Sexy Halloween Planning

I am so grateful I have a son who (most likely) will never want to be a Sexy Nurse, Sexy Cop, Sexy Vampire or anything else posing as an excuse for dressing like a ho for Halloween.

I have never been a fan of Halloween (if I want to dress like a princess, I do it, month notwithstanding). But once you have kids...

DH seems more excited about it than Baby Boy, and asks me daily if I have gotten him a costume (I assume he means the baby).

I finally got around to asking BB what he wants to be for Halloween and he said, "Daddy."

I melted twice--he better one being that it saves me a trip to the Land o' Halloween store.

Monday, October 4, 2010

UNSexy 2am Wake Up Call

We are staying in the city while our driveway gets paved. I was all excited to be urban for the week. I forgot city living comes with neighbors on all four sides.

Neighbor Above got home at 2 am last evening and wasted no time before having some "relations" ( I would call them intimate, but the decibel levels were anything but) directly above us complete with headboard banging and screams of delight.


Sting, is that you?

I hope he is too tired tonight to find another Miss Right and Ready because this Country Girl needs her sleep.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Sexy Woof Woof

I hired a dog trainer to come to the house yesterday to help with some little annoyances we are having with the pooch.

All I can say is A) thank god I put on make-up and B) that DH wasn't home or he would have crated ME.

This guy was the most gorgeous man I think I have ever laid eyes on. Tall, dark, tattoos, accent.


I am ready to eat the couch myself if it means I can stare at him for another 3 hours.