Thursday, September 30, 2010

Sexy Lunch

Darling Husband is out of town this evening. So at 10pm last night when I was packing Baby Boy's and DH's lunch, I decided to sneak in a little sexy surprise in the form of little panties (I hate that word!).

10pm, mind you.

Thank GOD I was at school with Baby Boy today when he reached into his lunch bag. I was able to grab the naughty addition away and into my shirt (hopefully) before anyone else saw. I can only imagine if I had been 2 minutes later. At least they were clean.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Sexy Pee...Tea?

I was becoming increasingly impressed that when I would walk by Baby Boy's training potty that it often would have pee in it. Unasked for pee in the potty is one of the more exciting parts of potty training.

If you have toddlers, you know the most important algebraic equation is P+P=M&M (Pee in the Potty equals M and M's).

It was getting to the point where I was considering buying stock in the M & M company.

This morning, I saw BB pouring my leftover tea into his potty and it all became clear.

They pull what ever camomile-colored wool over your eyes in order to get the prize.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Sexy Flower Power

Even though I think hydrangeas are so beautiful, I cannot keep them alive. They look great in a vase for about 5 hours and then droop their way into the composter.

At Starbucks three weeks ago, I saw a stunning sage green clipping tossed in the parking lot. Never one to waste, I picked it up knowing I could get a few hours of beauty from her.

Three weeks ticked by and everyday the hydrangea bloom looked as full and lush as she had the day I found her. The curse is over! I once again can fill the house with hydrangeas!

This morning as I went to change the water in the vase, I realized that it is silk.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Sexy Condom Sense

Nothing quite stops conversation like when your 2 year old hands Nana a condom at dinner and says, "Eat Nana! Eat!"

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Who's on First, Toddler Style

We all know the "Who's on first?" bit that Abbott and Costello made famous.

My son does a new version of this pretty much all day long.

Preface: A few weeks ago we went to a petting farm where the baby goat grabbed Van's shirt through the fence and tried to pull him in. Thus far, this has been the highlight of his two-year life. This is how the conversation goes:

"Babu goat bite you!" he squeals as he pulls his shirt.

"No, honey the goat didn't bite Mommy he bit YOU."

"Yesh! Babu Goat bite YOU!"

"So since he bit YOU, you say, 'Baby Goat bit ME.'"

"Babu Goat bite MAMA!"

"No, silly, not ME the Baby goat bit YOU."

"Babu goat bite YOU!"

and on and on...who knew teaching the finer points of grammar would be such a bite in the ass?

Monday, September 20, 2010

Sexy Yoga Nighty

I love love love yoga. If I had to choose, I would probably choose yoga over my husband. (lol...sort of). I went to a three day yoga retreat at Kripalu this past weekend and opted to stay in a dormatory style room--with about 20 other women. I didn't like dorm life in college, so don't ask me what prompted this choice.

(Oh, was DH hovering over my shoulder saying, "Sign up for that room, it is so much cheaper.")

I also love to sleep naked. I don't own any (appropriate) pajamas to speak of. This didn't bode well when packing for two nights when 20 other people are watching you sleep and when the bathroom is alllll the way down the hall.

Not wanting to sleep in yoga clothes, I dug up an old maternity nighty that is leopard print, faded and equals about a 2XXL in real people size.

Very sexy.

During one yoga session we were asked what our "inner animal" is. Not only did everyone spin to look at me but one woman growled and another went "Meeeeow."

Just to prove them wrong, I said I connect most with the walrus.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

The "Not Quite the Same" Moment of the Day

I think Duke thought he had struck gold when we moved the toddler potty in the middle of the living room.

Not quite the same effect, Buddy.

Mistaken Sentence of the Day

Darling Husband had a bunch of wood delivered for the winter. The farm came and dumped it in a huge pile in the driveway. As the delivery man was getting ready to leave (and my husband was calculating the hours and heavy lifting and stacking involved), Darling Husband asked,

"Hey, you don't happen to know a young boy that would like to make a few bucks do you?"

After a few seconds of registering the look of uncomfortable shock on the driver's face, I yelled from the window. "To stack the wood!"

Later, I said to DH, "You always have to complete a sentence that involves young boys and money..."

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

This Will Just Make You FEEL GOOD

Have you seen this commercial yet of the little girl dancing?: it is WONDERFUL

Thursday, September 9, 2010


We have all been in hotels and rich friends' houses that have one: The Bidet. Used in almost every other place than America, it is the lazy way to get out of taking a real shower.

Other than an unfortunate time when I was eight and my friend and I completely ruined the paint job of her mom's bathroom, I have never used one as intended.

This weekend was different.

We were staying at a very fabulous hotel and got upgraded to the penthouse. (Darling Husband actually slipped the desk girl a 20 and all of a sudden we are Rockafellers.) Anyway, there was a Bidet in the master bath.

All week I stared at it. I turned on and off the faucets. I inspected the height of the fountain.

I decided it couldn't be THAT scary or bad. So on I hopped.

The lesson for the future is to make sure the door is locked so that when Baby Boy's curiosity (and very quiet feet) get the best of him and he cranks on the cold handle, I am prepared.

The Bidet quickly became the Bidon't.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

My Little Pony

In order to break up a long car trip, we decided to stop half way at a country fair. This was "great fun." At one point, between sticky food and stickier rides, I saw a sign for pony rides.

Wanting to add a little class and culture to the event, I dragged Baby Boy and Darling Husband over to the ring. I could hardly wait to to have pictures of the boy atop a small brown beast.

Because of the heat, upon approach, I saw all of the ponies were laying down in the shade barely moving.

I elbowed my husband. "This is quite the scam," I whispered. "All of the ponies are dead."

Apparently, I misjudged the hearing of the children around us. The wails of panic that all the ponies were dead filled the air along with dirty glares from the parents--all of whom were smoking and trying to hide beers in their armpits.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Sexy Quiz

Thursday Quiz. What is Grosser?

A) Hearing your son say "Put on Lotion," over and over until you realize the "lotion" is wads of warm goat cheese he picked from a salad you were saving for dinner. (Keep in mind it is about 90-degrees today with 100% humidity so he was as naked and sweaty as a 2-year old can be).

B) Catching Darling Husband cutting his chest hair with the meat scissors. (When I yelled at him he said, "What? I'm doing it over the sink!!")