Hallo-What?

I have never been a big fan of Halloween (e.g. I hide when the doorbell rings).

Darling Husband thinks it should be a monthly event.

When I told him I was preggo, I could see the glimmering orange hope that Halloween would be reclaimed for his household.

Baby Boy, however, inherited my anti-Oct 31 gene.

He likes the IDEA of it, case in point the three fancy costumes he promised he would wear and are still on the hangers. (He hoards costumes like I do shoes. The problem with commercial costumes is that they disintegrate on Nov 1.)

This morning he told me he wanted to be a ghost. At Target, the closest they had was a Mummy. (I cut 800-thread count sheets for no one!) He told the cashier he was going to be a "Mommy."

He helped pick out Peanut Butter cups--the full-size ones. (I ate most of them yesterday and he hid the rest once I told him we had to share with the neighbors.)

It is 7:42. DH and BB are asleep. I threw a bowl of raisins and black toothbrushes (BB did a spectacular job hiding the Reece's) on the porch for latecomers and I am now sitting in the dark fully aware that the dog has discovered this surprise bowl of Treats.

I have only myself to blame when we get egged.

The Pull-Up Junkie

I started noticing the lack of potty trips a few days ago.

Every hour, after leaving strategically placed juices around, I would ask Baby Boy if he had to pee.

I always got a NO.

I also noticed his room smelled like pee. Under his bed were several used Pull Ups. (He has been potty trained for months.)

When shown the evidence, BB blanched.

"I think those Daddy's."

"I think they probably aren't," I said. "Can you tell me why a Big Boy like you are using your little guy Pull Ups again?"

He shrugged. "I don't like missing fun stuff to go pee."

I would lecture him but I know exactly how he feels.

I'll Scratch Your Back... if You Drop the Toothbrush

The whining went on incessantly. All day.

Baby Boy: "My back huuuuuurtsssssss."

"Sorry about that, Buddy. Can you show me where?" As his hands reached around to every reachable posterior surface.

Jealous of his flexibility, I soon panicked that he might have meningitis and should be taking his complaints seriously. I ran to find him and take his temperature.

I found him in the bathroom rubbing his new Spiderman electric toothbrush haphazardly across his lower back.

(Yes, with toothpaste.)

I couldn't even begin to guess.

Apparently, upon purchase, Darling Husband had told him the spinning toothbrush resembled a back massager.

Not being quite sure the bristles hadn't come exceedingly close to his bum, I gave him a quick lesson in the finer points of finger-brushing.

Apologies Run on Donuts

I totally effed up something DH asked me to do. He is going to be really mad, but I hope following up my admission with, "But I bought a machine to make donuts with!" may curb his yelling at me.

Any other suggestions?

Up All Night

Poor Baby Boy was up all night with Krupp. You know, that cough that makes the afflicted sound like a barking seal. (Without the red ball on their nose, fish or anything resembling a fun, circus atmosphere.)

Hence, I too, was up all night. I crawled into bed to cuddle with BB and to make sure he kept breathing. Around 2 am, he finally fell asleep. Half on me. I had to pee very badly, but I knew if I moved he would wake up and the crying and coughing fits would resume.

I have given "sleeping in the wet spot" a whole new (very unromantic) meaning.

Baby Daddy Sayz

Amongst the things Darling Husband never bet he would say once he had a son, I think this ranks pretty high:

"Babe, don't put the doll house right there. How is he going to get to his kitchen?"

Hmmmm mmmm, I love me some modern men.

The First Bite is the Best, times 1000.

The best part of an 80-degree day in October? Apple picking with Baby Boy.

The most interesting part? Finding a quick way to use four pounds of apples that all have one bite taken out of them.

Do You Take This Girl...?

We were at a fairly nice restaurant for dinner...and by "dinner" I mean 4:30 pm, which is when you must eat with a 3-year old if you don't want to be tarred and feathered.

It was us and about 25 old people.

One lady, (Baby Boy kept asking why Nana was there and not talking to him) asked him if he had a girlfriend and wanted to get married.

(I know he looks old for three, but seriously??)

BB screamed, "No, I not getting married. I not a girl!"

"Oh, you don't think boys get married," she asked. "What do boys do then?"

"GET NAKED!"

No one needed to turn up their hearing aids to understand that.

The check couldn't have come fast enough.

Mars vs Penus

Why is it that if Baby Boy wakes up at 3am screaming that BA fell out of bed, Darling Husband won't even budge from the depths of his slumber...

BUT

if my pinkie toe happens to enter the 3-foot zone of his body, he is wide awake thinking that McLovin' Fest 2011 is afoot?

Lost in Translation #245

I ran into a distant acquaintance at the grocery store today. I had heard through the grapevine she had adopted two children from Russia.

"So, how are the kiddies?" I asked.

Her face got sad. "Well, we had to put them down a few months ago. They got some sort of disease."

"Oh my god, I am so sorry to hear that," I wailed as I grabbed her hand.

"Yeah, it was hard, but we are actually getting two more this weekend. There is a place by our house that has a deal that if you adopt one the second is free."

I knew countries had an excess of orphans, but this...??

"Wait," I stammered. "What are you talking about?"

"Our kitties...what are you talking about?"

When it occurred to us, we had a good scream by the frozen pizzas.

"I thought you seemed a little lax about having to put your kids down," I laughed.

But the way she stared off into space at that makes me wonder...

Maybe it's Maybelline

I was away for a lovely yoga retreat over the weekend. When I came home yesterday, Baby Boy had a black eye.

That's a Zen-kill times 100.

Apparently, he and DH were wrestling on the couch and BB fell into the arm with his face.

I was horrified.

"Now everyone is going to think I beat him!" I shrieked.

There was no going around the fact that Mike Tyson and I had to go grocery shopping today. So, I slathered concealer around his eye.

He was so proud that I FINALLY let him wear my make-up he was sharing it with everyone we passed.

"Mommy covers my boo-boo's with make-up," he proudly repeated every 3 feet as I threw cookies in the cart to silence him.

I am waiting for Child Protective Services to pull in any moment if not to arrest me to the black eye but for forcing him to wear a shade that just isn't his color.