Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The Magic Garden

When I found that Baby Boy had buried himself up to his knees in my new raised garden, I assumed he was looking for worms.

“No, mama. I growing a sister.”

I also found buried cars, a shoe, various snacks and a remote control.

Were I a more talented gardener, surely I could sprout the contents of Target.

I guess he will have to settle for three kinds of kale.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Are You There God? It's Me the Weather Nazi.

Baby Boy asked me for a kite. Knowing his only experience with a kite is in the Curious George book when George gets swept up into the sky and the Man with the Yellow Hat has to rescue him with a helicopter, I said "yes."

I am not a dream squisher.

But there has been no wind.

After several days of hearing him whine about the weather, I said "If you want to complain to someone, you will have to talk to God." As I dialed my father.

"Hi is this GOD? I have a boy here that needs to talk to you about the lack of wind."

My confused father kept BB occupied for a few minutes as I opened some wine.

About an hour later, I heard BB talking on the phone. Thinking he was just playing around, I smiled as I listened to him tell "God" that he wants ice cream for dinner.

Funny, right?

Guess who doesn't think it's funny?


Somehow he called the police. I stopped him before the sheriff was dispatched to arrest me.

Are you there, God? It's me the felon.

Coupons and Vaginas

I was at the grocery store and the toddler in the cart in front of me had just learned that he had a penis. Along with this knowledge came the fact that girls have vaginas.

Since we were all stuck behind a crazy couponer, the boy has plenty of time to inform passersby which genitals were tucked inside their jeans.

"He has a PENIS!! and.....she has a VAGINA!!! and....he has a PENIS!!!"

And then a very large woman walked by.

"And...she has a HUGE VAGINA!!!"

Too bad they don't offer 50% coupons for loud little boys.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Rumor Has It...

Last night was the open house for Darling Husband's new practice.

I love throwing parties so immediately took charge of the festivities. I also decorated the whole new office, so when people asked me who I was, I either said, "I am the decorator." or "I am the event planner."

I figured I might as well try to drum up some work from this and make more money than I did working for DH. (i.e. zero.)

At the end of the evening, DH gave me a big kiss and thanked me for all of my work. (He did not slip me an envelop of cash along with that.)

Later, in the bathroom, I overheard two women talking.

"I think Doctor P is having an affair."

"What makes you say that?"

"I saw him kissing the decorator behind a tree in the waiting room."

"What a slut she must be."

And THAT my friends, is how you properly start a rumor.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Confucius Say...

I drink Yogi Tea. My favorite part is they print little sayings on the tea bag flag. (Yes, I am pretty sure that is the scientific name for it.)

Several times I have opened on that said, "One must experience lounging in life."

Sweet! No more feeling guilty of slothing it on the couch during naptime while the dishwasher needs emptying; clothes need folding and dinner needs a-making.

Today, sadly, sadly, I realized it said "One must experience LONGING in life."

Annnnnnnnd the guilt is back.

Damn you tea bag. Damn you.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Down with Nature!!

After a long and unhealthy weekend of eating, I made Baby Boy a lovely Mediterranean platter of olives, cucumber, hummus and pita for dinner. I scattered some edible flowers around the edges and stepped back to admire the gorgeous effect.

BB climbed up the chair and stared at the plate.

Tears formed in his eyes.

Was he chocked up at the beautiful bounty his loving mom had prepared?

The full tears started in earnest.

"Buddy, what is wrong?"

SOB. "I-don't-want-SOB-all-that-SOB-nature-on-my-fooooood-SOB."

This coming from a kid who stores rocks and grass in his mouth like a chipmunk.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Say What You Need to Say...

It was one of those nights when Baby Boy woke up at 3am soaking wet with sweat (ask me how many times I have told DH NOT to put him to bed in fleece) screaming for juice. Funny how the men never wake up for these episodes.

After a stumbling trip to the kitchen to get him liquid (and realize the cat was locked in the pantry) I snapped my baby toe on the edge of the counter and tripped over the dog.

After an hour to calm him back into sleep, he looked at me and said, "You are my favorite, Auntie."

I never fell back asleep.

Thank God for unconditional love.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Things That Are Awesome

And now for this week's installment of...THINGS THAT ARE AWESOME.

Spending a lot of money to turn the basement into a fabulous playland of wonder and delight for Baby Boy and his deciding that he is terrified of the "bears, sharks and bats" that live down there.

Will I ever get my living room back??

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Mother's Day Eve--yes, it's a holiday

I spend Mother's Day Eve dropping mad hints about my expectations for tomorrow.

"Well, since I was in labor for 26 hours without drugs, I think sleeping in until noon is fair."

"I will just leave all my cookbooks out with marked pages and you can just make whatever one looks the hardest with the most cleanup."

"Should I be making room in my jewelry box for any large necklaces or tiaras?"

And after all these far-from-passive-aggressive-hints, Baby Boy told me he "would eat chocolate for me all day" and Darling Husband asked what stores will still be open Sunday morning.

At least sleeping all day is free and doesn't need to be wrapped.

Happy Mother's Day to you! You know the world would not work if it wasn't for you!

Friday, May 6, 2011

Hide and Seek, Unabridged Version

Baby Boy is very much into playing games, or "bames" as he calls them.

Hide and Seek is a current fave.

He likes me to hide while he counts to (his version of) ten.

"1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-4-5-6-7-8-4-5-6-7-8-4-5-6-7-8..." it is like a record skipping.

I don't feel guilty using this time to clean out the pantry (my default hiding space) but maybe a little bit that I have yet to teach him what really comes after 8...