Sex Ed, Take One

When I was giving Baby Boy a bath today, he asked me if I had a penis.

I took it way too far and explained that not only did I have a vagina, just like (named every woman/girl in his life) but that he came out of my vagina when he was born.

He sat with that for a few hours.

At the grocery store this afternoon, he asked me about 30 extra-loud times in front of the cashier, bagger and ten people behind me if he could go back into my Vagina.

Since there was no context to be had, I imagine DHS will be knocking any moment now.

You Know You Are a MOM When...

you use your finger to wipe their noses even when there is a box of tissues right next to you.

you have been caught eating the red Pebbles vitamins from the jar.

you let your kiddo play with Play-Doh on the kitchen floor in hopes the Doh will pick up enough hair and crumbs to save you an hour vacuuming.

your favorite pair of pants are your maternity ones. And your kids are nine.

you force art time just so you can smell the glue.

when you see a mini-van now you understand the appeal (and then go smell more glue).

you have signed checks with a crayon.

you have gone for days without looking in the mirror.

there are no pictures of you in any of the baby books.

screw filet mignon, you secretly wish every night was mac and cheese night.

you still keep the Baby Bjorn potty in your bedroom for your own use. It isn't necessary to walk all the way down the hall at 2am anymore.

you stop looking forward to snow days.

even on date-nights you call your husband "Daddy."

Van Gogh

Dear Son of Mine,

It is one thing when you accidently pee on the kitchen floor.

It is quite another when you pee on the floor and then ask me where the paint brushes are...

Dating vs Marriage

When you are dating, you would NEVER allow your lover to see you:

-Put on Spanx

-Deal with ingrown bikini-line hairs

-Investigate your pores in a magnifying mirror

-Do anything with tampons or yeast infections

-Doing a stealth sniff of your armpits to make sure you don't smell

-Pick scabs

-Put on Rogaine

-Tweeze stray tummy hairs

-Pick toenails

-Get lint balls out of your belly button

When you are married, that is just called "getting ready for bed."

Sexy Chapstick

My lips were so chapped while driving today. I reached into my purse and fiddled around until I felt the cylindrical shape of my new hemp/mango lip balm (that Baby Boy had also secretly discovered and ate most of for lunch yesterday).

Let me add here that I had gone to Staples to get BB some activity books that involved pasting, which calls for glue sticks. I had hidden one in my purse so he wouldn't see the bag and want to play with it.

Guess which one ended up slathered all over my parched lips.

And they say texting while driving is dangerous...

Menu du Jour

Do you know what Baby Boy has eaten today?

M and M's and butter.

For as much as I would like to promise we would slide on down to the fruit or at the very least the carbs level. We clung to the tippity top of the food pyramid and for as tired as I feel right now, the top is good enough.

The Interpreter

Darling Husband called asking where we keep "The Fat Girls" movie.

The whaaaat? I could hear Baby Boy in the background throwing a huge fit wanting to watch the "Fat Girls! Fat Girls!"

"Maybe it's a Youtube thing?" he asked.

"Yeah, because our three-year old spends so much time surfing fat chicks on Youtube," I snapped.

I quickly scanned through my Toddler-Speak Rolodex.

"The Fraggles."

Phew...I didn't know how we were going to fake our way through that one!