Unsexy Positions

In your 20's it is fine, nay encouraged, to have sex with the lights on and with mirrors strategically placed. Once the Big 3-0 surprise birthday party has come and gone however, things slow down, shift, sag and spotlights pointing out that fact is way less than sexy. I mean good for you it you are like, "Gerl, I go to bed with a Sharpie to point out exactly what's a happenin'." But I am all about "out of sight, out of mind."

What brings this on is last night: having some racy weekday sex, lights on (I had worked out that day and had only eaten raisins), I was on top and happened to glance at myself in the closet door mirror mid-Cowgirl thrust. When I stopped moving, it took a few seconds for everything to catch up. (special effect of a boner slowly drooping).

It got me thinking of other positions that porn stars seem to make look glamorous but common folk can't quite seem to achieve. I'll jump right to the winner of the Unsexiest Position: 69. I'm not sure what caveman invented this charming maneuver, but I would bet that if pressed under the influence, most men would agree this rarely works. Unless you are exactly the same height, your choice is either a bum in your face or your parts around his neck so you can reach his...and at that point you may as well be kneeling on tile like you were when all this started.

Now I am off to Position 11, sleeping side by side...