Thursday, January 14, 2010

Sexy Cram Session

Darling Husband and I are going to a wedding in Florida tomorrow. Since it had been 12 degrees there for weeks, I saw no point in getting "bikini ready" since snow angels were more likely to be on the agenda.

Then Global Warming decided she had enough time off and it is in the 80's again. If we were going to Orlando, I wouldn't care about my pale, flabby stomach, but it is West Palm Beach, whose Deadly Sin is most certainly Vanity.

So here is Professor "Last Minute's Bikini's" Cram Session.

SRPAY TAN: this is the easiest way to lose 5 lbs and gain muscle tone in under 2 minutes.
PEDI: go bright. Neon pink nails are usually enough to distract people's vision downward--especially if you have tiny words written on them; you will be a walking Kryptos.
PUSH UP BIKINI TOP: get the Stage 5 miracle push up delux from Victoria's Secret. No one will be looking anywhere except down your sudden porn star cleavage.
STILETTOS: I know walking around the pool in heels with a bathing suit borders on trashy, but it makes your legs look stunning and that also distracts from the love handles.
GET EVERYONE DRUNK: be the one always filling half empty cups and soon the Beer Goggle effect will have you looking like Giselle.
STAND NEXT TO REALLY FAT PEOPLE: perspective is your new BFF

1 comment:

  1. This was hilarious! Much more fun than my method. I hide under hats and towels, stating a fear of sunburn.