Monday, February 28, 2011

Sex Ed, Take One

When I was giving Baby Boy a bath today, he asked me if I had a penis.

I took it way too far and explained that not only did I have a vagina, just like (named every woman/girl in his life) but that he came out of my vagina when he was born.

He sat with that for a few hours.

At the grocery store this afternoon, he asked me about 30 extra-loud times in front of the cashier, bagger and ten people behind me if he could go back into my Vagina.

Since there was no context to be had, I imagine DHS will be knocking any moment now.

Friday, February 25, 2011

You Know You Are a MOM When...

you use your finger to wipe their noses even when there is a box of tissues right next to you.

you have been caught eating the red Pebbles vitamins from the jar.

you let your kiddo play with Play-Doh on the kitchen floor in hopes the Doh will pick up enough hair and crumbs to save you an hour vacuuming.

your favorite pair of pants are your maternity ones. And your kids are nine.

you force art time just so you can smell the glue.

when you see a mini-van now you understand the appeal (and then go smell more glue).

you have signed checks with a crayon.

you have gone for days without looking in the mirror.

there are no pictures of you in any of the baby books.

screw filet mignon, you secretly wish every night was mac and cheese night.

you still keep the Baby Bjorn potty in your bedroom for your own use. It isn't necessary to walk all the way down the hall at 2am anymore.

you stop looking forward to snow days.

even on date-nights you call your husband "Daddy."

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Van Gogh

Dear Son of Mine,

It is one thing when you accidently pee on the kitchen floor.

It is quite another when you pee on the floor and then ask me where the paint brushes are...

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Dating vs Marriage

When you are dating, you would NEVER allow your lover to see you:

-Put on Spanx
-Deal with ingrown bikini-line hairs
-Investigate your pores in a magnifying mirror
-Do anything with tampons or yeast infections
-Doing a stealth sniff of your armpits to make sure you don't smell
-Pick scabs
-Put on Rogaine
-Tweeze stray tummy hairs
-Pick toenails
-Get lint balls out of your belly button

When you are married, that is just called "getting ready for bed."

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Sexy Chapstick

My lips were so chapped while driving today. I reached into my purse and fiddled around until I felt the cylindrical shape of my new hemp/mango lip balm (that Baby Boy had also secretly discovered and ate most of for lunch yesterday).

Let me add here that I had gone to Staples to get BB some activity books that involved pasting, which calls for glue sticks. I had hidden one in my purse so he wouldn't see the bag and want to play with it.

Guess which one ended up slathered all over my parched lips.

And they say texting while driving is dangerous...

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Menu du Jour

Do you know what Baby Boy has eaten today?

M and M's and butter.

For as much as I would like to promise we would slide on down to the fruit or at the very least the carbs level. We clung to the tippity top of the food pyramid and for as tired as I feel right now, the top is good enough.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The Interpreter

Darling Husband called asking where we keep "The Fat Girls" movie.

The whaaaat? I could hear Baby Boy in the background throwing a huge fit wanting to watch the "Fat Girls! Fat Girls!"

"Maybe it's a Youtube thing?" he asked.

"Yeah, because our three-year old spends so much time surfing fat chicks on Youtube," I snapped.

I quickly scanned through my Toddler-Speak Rolodex.

"The Fraggles."

Phew...I didn't know how we were going to fake our way through that one!

Monday, February 14, 2011

A "Washable" Disclosure

On any brand of kid's paint, the heavily optimistic words, WASHABLE!!!! should be lawfully encased in quotation marks. In big, bold, neon ones. In theory, everything is "washable," and that does not necessarily mean "cleanable."

If "washable" were the case, I would not have a child covered in blue paint, slightly faded (after 55 minutes in the tub) to look like bruises. I think I am going to have to keep him home from school this week lest a teacher see these splotches and send his file to DHS.

At least Darling Husband has a handmade Valentine to look forward to, even if it is all blue and layered so thick it will take 2 weeks to dry.

Valentime's Day Priority

I awoke at 6am to Baby Boy singing this from his room:

"It Val-em-time's Daaaay. I do get to eat chocolate wif out even pooping in the poddy!"

Whatever makes your day, hope it is filled with love...and calories!

Friday, February 11, 2011

Stopping the Sugar Bribes

Here is a SAT question that didn't make the cut:

If Baby Boy gets one Hershey Kiss for each time he pees and two for each time he poos in the potty, how many does that amount to by the time he is in college?

Now that he is so good about going in the potty (instead of saying "I have to pee" he says, "I'm getting chocolate!"), how do I wean him off of the candy? My fear is that A) he will regress and start peeing on the rugs we just had cleaned or B) when he is 80 he will be screaming at his nurses, "Get me my goddam Charleston Chew!"

One Stop Shopping for the Republican in Your Life

If you buy a new pick-up truck this dealer is offering a FREE AK-47.

I have a sneaking suspicion Sarah Palin's Alaska may the underwriter on this promotion.

Happy Valentine's Day, automatic weapons notwithstanding.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Want Clean Teeth? What NOT to Say!

If you don't brush your teeth...

"...your teeth will fall out."

"...the sugar monsters will come and eat your teeth when you're asleep."

"...your teeth will be filled with black holes when you wake up."

" cute girls will want to kiss you!"

" won't be able to chew and you will have to drink all your food like a shake!"

Ironically, the prospect of any of these happening is way too interesting to pass up for a 3-year old. Too bad bribing him with M and M's sends the wrong message.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Those Sexy Brownies

When DH came home and went for a brownie, he quickly realized they were gone.

"What happened to all those brownies you made last night?"

Who knew all those passing-by nibbles actually added up to a whole pan? (My thighs know, natch.)

"Well, I made those to bring to Baby Boy's school for a, uh, post-snow day treat."

"Huh. I was really looking forward to eating one all day. It was the only bright spot in my otherwise crappy, crappy day."

So, if anyone from BB's class is reading this and DH asks you how those brownies were, you say THEY. WERE. DELICIOUS.

My thighs thank you.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Quote of the Day

Screw Morrie--here's to Tuesday's with Vodka.

If We are What We Eat, Then...

This is how the conversation went in the morning:

ME: "Are you eating something? What is in your mouth?"

Baby Boy: "Mshakjhdfs fjmmmmm (swallow) NO!"

ME as I try to pry open his lips: "It is not snack time! I am making you breakfast!" As wet, lumps of chocolately bits splattered onto my bare feet. "Spit the rest out in the trash!"

This is how the conversation went last night.

Baby Boy: "Mama what in yourn mouth? Want in mine mouth, too!"

ME, with my back to him as I try to swallow whole M and M's which are sacred for potty training: "Nothing honey I am just trying not to sneeze."

BB: "No, mama. See you chew! What is?? What is!!!!!!!"

As a blue M and M escaped and rolled over to his foot, I knew I was busted. Then my sweet boy says, "Oh! Good mama. Means Mama peed on potty. Get M-uh-M's. Mama pee more?"

So forgiving at that age...