My Morning as a Stage Mom

Today was picture day at school. When I received the email and the flier to prep us, there was a silent prayer along with it that said, "In this, the several days you have, please teach your child how to sit and smile at the camera without bugging out their eyes, sticking out their tongue or screaming to see what they look like a second after the picture is taken."

Last night, I had Baby Boy choose from his three (very wrinkled) dress shirts. He picked a nice red one. Done.

This morning, he yanked at the shirt hollering that it was too tight (none of the buttons were done yet), flipped out when I couldn't find the belt "that my friend gave me," (???), and rolled on the disgusting dog bed. Then he put on Crocs (one cantaloupe one navy) and threw his toothbrush in the plant.

It was 7:20.

Pictures were at 8:30 sharp.

We live an hour away.

When we got to school, the preschoolers lined up on a bench (like herding cats) and the photographer sweetly began her art. I quickly licked my fingers and tried to flatten BB's hair and pushed him into the crowd.

Distracted by cars, bugs, the person licking their back, air and a forgotten Cheerio the kids looked everywhere but at the camera.

I, the only parent that actually stayed in hope they would tuck my disheveled son behind the biggest kids to hide his now ripped and extra wrinkled (but on!) shirt, tried to get the kids to focus.

Or at least my kid.

"Look at me! Buddy, whoo hoo, over here! Nope, here. Wait, take your hands out of your mouth. What? No, we aren't done! Get back over there and SMILE!...ooo there a bird on my head!" and so forth.

The photographer had the idea to have all the kids close their eyes and when she said "THREE" they would pop them open right at her. Most kids pushed their palms into the eyes and others scrunched them so tightly that when they opened them they were bloodshot, teary, had deep wrinkle lines or were blind.

"What are all these blue spots?!!"

I understand now why they make you pay for the packages upfront. I can't wait for my Super Delux Package of a bunch of little kids who looked super stoned.