Monday, July 5, 2010

UnSexy Supermarket Attack #3

If can believe my luck after last week's grocery store molestation and the one prior to that it happened AGAIN. This time across state lines.

I was in a place called Stew Leonard's in CT, which is as close to Hell on Earth as possible. There are not aisles, rather it is a giant maze that keeps closing in on itself. There really is no escape once you are sucked into the current of shoppers. It is like being on an episode of Lost.

From a marketing standpoint it is genius because if you don't start snacking, you die.

On top of that there are humungous mechanical sheep, pigs and farmers that scream at you in song when you try to sneak by. Horrifying.

I asked where the marshmallows were and an employee said (quite snarkily for someone dressed like they live in a rodeo), "Next to the singing cow."

I am there on July 3rd. Imagine the crowds. I have been trying to find mustard for 20-minutes when I feel a presence very close to my ear.

"Ever wonder what you are doing here?" asked Weekend Warrior Mitch.

"Here on Earth or here at Stew Leonard's? Either way you are expecting me to be way too existential while I am trying not to bite you," I sneered. "Oh, but actually," (he looked like he did come here often) I tried to smile. "Do you know where the mustard is?"

"Probably next to the ketchup," he winked over his Top Gun sunglasses. "Want me to help you find it?" He breathed deep in my ear.

"Not if you want to end up inside the dancing pig's mouth."

I fled.

Never found the mustard, either.

Three strikes and I'm out. No more grocery shopping EVER.

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