Saturday, July 31, 2010

Sexy Sanctuary...BUSTED

I tried. Five-minutes, that's all I needed to re-boot.

I told DH, Baby Boy and the babysitter that I was going up to finish cleaning the bathroom (figuring no one would want to be a part of toilet scrubbing) and headed up with pink gloves and paper towels in hand.

Between you and me, I had cleaned the bathroom the day before, but no one ever notices.

I was huddled against the wall with the bathtub running (don't want to get all you environmentalist's panties in a bunch, but if you are a mom, you get the need) with the new US Weekly on my lap, a (warm) glass of white that I had smuggled up earlier that day and a truffle. AHHHHHHHHHH. This is it!!

Not even one paragraph into Stars! They're Just Like US! When the whole entourage busted in wondering what was taking me so long.

I still want to cry...

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Sexy Cravings

Here is a link to my column today. I show my favorite kid-approved healthier options to the sugary snacks they scream for.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Sexy Vodka

At the end of a long and very fun day at a local wildlife/amusement park, I was trying not to pass out from the heat as I watched Baby Boy on his first solo ride on the Toddler Boats.
Now this park is made up of two groups: those who maybe could be Mother of the Year and those who are anything but. So there are many kids zooming around with little to no supervision.

One of these Great Unwatched snuck up behind me and started drinking from my son's water cup (I didn't bring enough sanitizer to make that kind of OK).

I turned to her and snapped, "You should NEVER drink out of a strange cup. That could be vodka for all you know."

Her mother ran over and pulled her arm. "And just what do you think you're doing??"

The five year old looked straight into her mother's bloodshot eyes and said, "Drinking vodka."

Ah, from the mouths of babes. The mother didn't even bat an eyelash. Case closed.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Sexy Neck

My 8-month old niece's new trick is to coquettishly bend her neck from side to side, her giant blue eyes enticing anyone around her to follow suit. Getting all of those around her to become Bobble Heads makes her laugh like nothing else.

We had a family dinner the other night. She was getting frustrated that no one was mirroring her neck moves.

I couldn't explain to her that after a certain age one's neck muscles have the mobility of cement.

Several of the older folks, however, were happy to play "the falling asleep in the chair during dessert" game along with her.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Sexy Judgement of the Day

I was feeling quite benevolent on the ride home so I stopped by the grocery store to buy a case of food to drop at the local no-kill cat shelter. I hadn't given a second thought to how I may be judged by the man behind me until he said, "Looks like you have quite the exciting night lined up."

This is a snapshot of what he saw: a mid-30's gal (who didn't wear her ring b/c it was soaking in Windex at home to remove a month of sunscreen buildup) who appeared single with a large case of cat food, a stack of celeb gossip mags, chapstick, tampons and coconut M and M's.

I would love to say I wasn't wearing my old, disgusting LL Bean flip-flops with chocolate labs on the straps, but yes, I was the complete Old Maid package, awaiting a night with my 40 cats and finally reading how Angie REALLY stole Brad away from Jen.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Sexy Bouquet

My sweet husband coaxed Baby Boy to help him weed by saying they are picking flowers for mama.

Now when we go for walks, I end up carrying a bunch of flora in various stages of decay. The neighbors, however, love my son the florist for cleaning their yards.

We just went for a walk and I was hardly paying attention at the "flowers" thrust in my direction. Until I felt tickling up my arm.

ANTS!!!!! Hundreds of them (almost) zooming for my face and down my shirt.

So-here is an advance apology for BB's future girlfriends. I think my screams of panic have tainted his flower giving for quite some time to come.

The Forbidden Kitchen Strikes Again!

I have written several stories about Baby Boy and his Forbidden Kitchen such as and

Yesterday, it struck again. We had some little ones over for a play group. Baby Boy was a fabulous host serving brunch. He walked around the circle.


"Hut cuffee."



Until he got to me.

"Mama, ine."

"What did he say?" asked a mother, who was sipping her "tea."

"Mama INE!" he screeched thrusting the cup into my hand.

I don't know if anyone figured out he was saying "wine," but that ended play kitchen for the day.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Discussion Topic of the Day--want your input!!

Don't get me wrong, I love being a SAHM, but lately I am feeling kind of depressed and personally unfilled. Not that I am dying to go back to a 9-5er either, but there are days when I feel utterly mentally un-challenged (not that trying to decipher what this hour's whine session is about isn't a challenge) and dying for some interaction that doesn't involve poop and things that are sticky.

I don't want to lose who I was/am pre-baby and pre-marriage and I feel like that person is a shadow. I don't have the time to be writing books and sending out queries to national magazines like I want to. By 7pm I am so drained and exhausted that even doing the mounds of laundry seems like a marathon.

When I try to talk to DH about it, he says, "But you GET to stay home." and I'm like "Yeah, but you GET to go to work."

I realize this phase of having little ones is fleeting and I should be loving every single minute of it--but let's have a honest come to jesus about this whole SAH-thing.

How do you really feel about it? Do you have periods when you wish you could be sitting at a desk, emailing, going pee alone and having a lunch break or are you 100% happy being at home with the kids? And on the flip side, those of you that do go to work, do you wish you could be at home?

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Unsexy Outfit of the Day

...and the lucky winner is...ME.

We got home at 2am last evening after a roundtrip in one day trip to D.C. for my favorite uncle's funeral. It seemed easier during booking to make the day-trip vs bringing a two-year old.

We are hideously jinxed when traveling, so our 7pm flight was delayed until midnight and our luggage never arrived.

At 6:30 am, Baby Boy was screaming for DADA. DADA, however, feigned sleep until I finally got up.

We went outside to water the plants and this is how we dressed: BB was fully naked except for his yellow Wellies that are two sizes too big, causing him to shuffle like an 80-year old Chinese woman and Darling Husband's ski hat. I hadn't washed my face b/c my cosmetic case was touring the country, so I am in yesterday's makeup, mascara fully piled under my blood shot eyes, wretched dred-like hair from airport sleeping and a faded leopard nighty from Target that I wore when pregnant. I was also holding an empty beer can that someone had thrown by our driveway.

This is how we looked, standing at the edge of the road, when 25 members of the neighbor's family reunion raced by for their Annual Fun Run.

Welcome to the neighborhood!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Choo-Choo Eyes?

Baby Boy has started this new thing. When he doesn't get what he wants he squeezes his eyes shut and screams, "CHOO CHOO EYES! CHOO CHOO EYES!"

Of course, the first time we panicked that one of his zillion toy trains had taken the track straight into his eyeball. That would have been easier to solve. Now he walks around, eyes frozen shut, slamming into walls, desks, pets...CHOO CHOO EYES! It is like having a drunk poet around.

For the life of us we cannot figure out where this came from. No trains in our circle of transportation videos or books are blind enough to chug through the days using The Force.

I am sending him to a play group tomorrow and will blame Baby Casey Jones on them.

Sexy Staycation

When Darling Husband told me he was taking this week as a vacation my mind was aflutter with possibility: hiking in Acadia, driving through the White Mountains, sailing in Stonington, sunning at Scarborough there anywhere better to be in the summer?

Then he paused snipping my thoughts off like a dead geranium, “And I am thinking we should just stay home.”

As much as I love being with my family, embarking on a “staycation” is not relaxing for me; I get to do the same chores I do in regular life but for more people.

I was going to bring this up but I knew he was imagining all the things he could power wash around the house. I can’t take that away from him.

It is all about change of perspective. I needed to see my home from the eyes of someone who drove many miles to be here and was paying top dollar to do laundry. I mean, there are places you go to in Italy and cook the whole time.

If I created one totally new, fun activity a day I could distract Baby Boy from confusing the power washer with a sprinkler. Here are a few ideas to help you turn your home into Club Med--there are still several weeks until school starts, so “staycation” or not, you may need some inspiration to get you and the kids through.

Mystery Yard: This works anywhere there is a bit nature. It is a silent activity. Blindfold your child and lead them to something in the yard, like a tree. Take their hands and place them on the bark, a twig, a leaf. Let them explore and then guess what it is. For older children, they can draw what they think it is, still blindfolded. If a bird chirps, tap their ear so they listen. Bend their nose to a flower. Have them lay in the grass and feel it tickle their skin. The purpose is to enhance their senses to all the little things they see everyday but probably ignore.

Feet Painting: This will keep kids of all ages happy for a long time. Roll out large banners of mural paper in the driveway and tape down. Surround with newspaper. Set pans lined with sponge cloth (so they don’t slip) of tempura paint around the edges. It will be tempting for them to jump in with their whole foot and stomp around (but we need this to last!). Coax them to just dip in their big toe and write their name, then their pinky and make little bees. You can play different types of music and have them dance with the paint on their feet so they can see what their dancing “looks like.” Hose them off before they streak into the living room.

Sunrise Yoga: Vacation or not, most kids still rise with the roosters. You have to be up anyway, so make the most of these sleepy hours. Spread yoga mats or beach towels on the grass or in the living room. Play relaxing music and have the kids mimic your movements. Stretch tall to the sky, balance on one foot, curl into a little ball (don’t fall asleep here!). Swap leaders every few minutes. If a kiddo is stuck for moves, have them pretend they are their favorite animal moving in slow motion. When you are done you will feel so refreshed you won’t even need coffee!

Pajama Picnics: One of my favorite activities. Don’t go overboard with the food--just pack a cooler of string cheese, apple slices, juice boxes--easy, non-messy snacks. Head to a local beach or park where the sun sets. Surprise the kids with new jammies to wear. Spread big blankets around and toss books, puzzles, dolls around. Let everyone wind down as the golden light falls over the water.

Snap!: I know most kids probably all have their own digital cameras, but go buy a bunch of disposable ones--it is a good lesson in patience that they can’t see the pics until they are developed. Take them on a walk downtown or in the Mall. Let them become Annie Leibovitz for an afternoon. After you develop them (try to go to a place that does it in an hour) make photo albums (complete with stickers and glitter) of your (non-umbrella drink, non-cabana boy, non-parasailing, but fun nonetheless) staycation.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Sexy Laziness

I just don't have the energy today to be a spirited, creative, fully-present mama.

In this laziness, I am ruining 2-years of disciplined parented in lieu of Baby Boy fully partaking in any behavior and/or snack he sees fit with no consequence.

I just found him eating a spider and all I could muster was a mental note to Google the nutrient value of arachnids.

Half-full baby, half-full.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Sexy Older Moms: Waiting Works for Them



Can I request that the next generation of toddlers evolve with a snooze button? I consider myself a fairly energetic 34-year old, but there are days when the 6am wake-up call comes way too quickly. And that’s just the start. Baby Boy zooms throughout the day with the determination and speed of a racehorse. I am a zombie by dinner time. Knowing the physical and mental energy it takes to keep up with these knee-high tykes, I am baffled as to why there are women in their 60’s and 70’s having children. On purpose.

Aren’t these the golden years when you have the grandkids over for a meal of ice-cream and Werther’s then kick them out in time for supper at four and Mahjong?

Apparently, in countries like China (where women are looked at as horrible people if they are barren) there are doctors happily injecting grandma-age ladies with fertilized eggs. A few months ago a 71-year old Indian woman had her first baby.

The cons of having children when you are in the December of your life are obvious. But it did get me thinking as to why women are waiting longer to have children in general (“longer” meaning mid-30’s through 40’s).

According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, about 5% of women were giving birth past the age of 35 fifteen years ago. Now that number is up to 15%.

Most of the “older moms” I spoke with said that the financial stability, education and life-experience gained from waiting makes them more patient, focused and balanced parents.

Rhonda LaPointe-Lachance had many reasons for waiting to start her family.

Most importantly, “I waited to marry until I found someone who would make a good husband and father,” she says. “Had I married my boyfriend and had kids in my 20's I am pretty sure I would be divorced by now with more kids to support.”

Then again, “Because of the age difference, it's harder to find other moms I can relate to who have the same age kids. Thanks to the fact that I have stopped dying my hair, I am sometimes mistaken for my daughter's grandmother when hanging out at parks or at school events,” she adds.

Many older moms had fertility issues thus having children at all puts their life in new perspective.

“I know the monetary and emotional value of the sacrifices I do have to
make and that the time with my kids is priceless,” says Amanda Downing, who was 40 and 42 when she gave birth. “And I don't care as much about appearance or housework as I used to. Seriously, this helps me not try to do it all.”

Along with it taking much longer to get the bikini body back (and by “bikini” I mean full-coverage, black, rouched-to-add-a-waist bathing suit) another constant that older moms mention is that they likely won’t have as many years with their children as they would have had they had kids in their 20’s.

Hope Straw, 40, is Mom to a 4-and 2-year old as well as an 8-month old baby. Her own mom was 39 when she had her (a rarity in 1970) and had passed away before Hope had her own children.

I've taken to writing letters to my kids--things I would want to tell them about, stories and things about their babyhood, for them to have and read in case I'm not around when they want to ask those questions.” she says.

Though none of the moms said they “feel old,” they do admit they run out of energy by day’s end. “I am pretty sure that I need almost as much sleep as my toddler
does,” says Amy Vintinner. “Although, napping on a Sunday afternoon with him is priceless!”

If you are an “older mom,” there is a wonderful community you can join through Mom to Mom of Maine ( They prove that hot mamas come in all ages wether or not we need a snooze button.

Monday, July 5, 2010

UnSexy Supermarket Attack #3

If can believe my luck after last week's grocery store molestation and the one prior to that it happened AGAIN. This time across state lines.

I was in a place called Stew Leonard's in CT, which is as close to Hell on Earth as possible. There are not aisles, rather it is a giant maze that keeps closing in on itself. There really is no escape once you are sucked into the current of shoppers. It is like being on an episode of Lost.

From a marketing standpoint it is genius because if you don't start snacking, you die.

On top of that there are humungous mechanical sheep, pigs and farmers that scream at you in song when you try to sneak by. Horrifying.

I asked where the marshmallows were and an employee said (quite snarkily for someone dressed like they live in a rodeo), "Next to the singing cow."

I am there on July 3rd. Imagine the crowds. I have been trying to find mustard for 20-minutes when I feel a presence very close to my ear.

"Ever wonder what you are doing here?" asked Weekend Warrior Mitch.

"Here on Earth or here at Stew Leonard's? Either way you are expecting me to be way too existential while I am trying not to bite you," I sneered. "Oh, but actually," (he looked like he did come here often) I tried to smile. "Do you know where the mustard is?"

"Probably next to the ketchup," he winked over his Top Gun sunglasses. "Want me to help you find it?" He breathed deep in my ear.

"Not if you want to end up inside the dancing pig's mouth."

I fled.

Never found the mustard, either.

Three strikes and I'm out. No more grocery shopping EVER.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Sexy Sneaky Snacks

This weekend I am heading to the land of, "I know you don't eat meat so I roasted you a chicken."

I promised DH I wouldn't sneak a cooler of food in to hide under the bed, but magically this week I don't welcome a mandated fast. (I am in that special week before PMS when the tummy is as flat as it's ever going to be. I don't want to appear concave and have to hear dead silence I go to the bathroom. People love to spur a good bulimic rumor on).

So how to be stealth about sneaking my "hippie/rabbit food" in is the problem. Giant red coolers (all we have) don't mask well even in the pit of night.

I used to go down and live on bagels, until I read that they take 3 days to digest. Bagels were hanging around in the enzyme-line for weeks.

There is a Starbucks within reasonable distance, so I could pretend to go jogging and dive into lattes and scones and Wifi.

And quiet.

That actually sounds pretty perfect-I can hang out with all the other vegetarians whose husband's families really don't understand why they don't eat meat.

"Even fish? Really? But fish isn't meat..." Best to smile, nod and dream of foamy caffeine.