Wednesday, October 28, 2009

I NEED to Pee

My friends know by now that my bladder is small. Road trips are a nightmare: I try to hold it in, rhythmically rocking like Rain Man, trying to pretend I am really into the music, until someone glances at my sweaty hands that are also bleeding from my nails and asks, "Oh, do you have to pee?" This ritual repeats itself every 30 minutes or so. When I substitute taught it was horrible. How do you leave a classroom of kids alone so you can run to the teacher's lounge and go? No one briefed me on that. 
Post-baby my bladder isn't smaller, but the muscles are quite weak and the lovely advice, "Just hold it" doesn't work. By the time I say, "I have to pee," I have already peed. 
I used to carry extra panties in the car in case I got lucky. Now I carry them in case I get caught behind a bus.
My UnSexy Naptime today: I had to go to Babies R Us to get another Pack and Play. We pulled into the lot and I had to go so badly that making it into the store wasn't an option. If I even thought about lifting Baby out of his seat--Game Over. 
I have started carting a Thermos around with me for such purposes. I pity the one who someday uses that for tea. It holds about 20 oz, which I have found to be perfect. I have it down so passersby have no idea what is going on. I back my seat up, wiggle the pants down, schooch bum to edge of seat, go, redress and dump the contents no the asphalt, all while singing to Baby in the backseat. 
Today however, as I was raising the mug, it hit my thigh and half of it dumped all over my legs and arm. OMG. It was vitamin pee as well. 
No extra pants or shirt, but I had to go into the store. Since my son is very cute he draws lots of attention. Whenever an admirer leaned in to compliment his eyelashes, they would quickly back away, "Ooopsy, SOMEONE needs a diaper change." 
Thank god he is too little to rat me out. I can only imagine what he would say. 

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