Thursday, June 24, 2010

Sexy Yet-to-Be-Invented Inventions

My Sexy Cleaning Products blog of last week inspired my column in the paper for this week. It expands on the thought that there isn't any reason mundane tasks can't be made better, if not sexier. Read on:

Save for the guys on Deadliest Catch, I dare say Motherhood is the hardest job in the world. If you disagree, you have never tried to coax your little one to go potty in a Target bathroom all while never touching anything and knowing your cart is being ransacked on the other side.

I have come up with several inventions that will certainly make Life as Mom easier. The problem is due to my outstanding lackadaisicalness, I give up soon after conception. I am sharing my ideas in hopes someone will see them to completion and send me a big check.

Drive-Thru Everything: God Bless Starbucks and any other coffee shop that has a drive-thru. Nothing is worse than passing up caffeine because it is raining and Baby is finally fast asleep in the backseat. I will up the ante on this genius and suggest Drive-Thru Bathrooms. Imagine a car wash style enclosure where you pull into a climate-controlled bay and can go to the bathroom without passing cars asking if they need to call AAA.

Top-Shelf Cleaning Products:

Dear Makers of Household Cleaning Products, I would be more inclined to buy your products if, instead of giving me headaches with nauseating and unrealistic scents such as Vanilla Sky and Lavender Mountain Mist, you had a selection geared toward what Moms really desire. May I suggest: Gin and Tonic, 5-Carat Diamond Ring, Silk Pajamas, Cupcakes That Won't Make You Fat, You are Way Too Pretty to be Cleaning this Toilet and Godiva Hazelnut Truffle.

Invisible Fence for Kids: It works great to keep the dog from eating the neighbor’s trash so the next logical step is a containment system for toddlers. I appreciate the exercise of chasing Baby Boy up the driveway All. Day. Long. but it would be nice to have the security of knowing that before he crosses the road a small “zzzzt” would remind him that getting run over by a truck isn’t fun.

Updated Kitchen Floors: Ask any mom what her least favorite thing to clean is. “The Kitchen floor,” so comes the agitated reply. It starts out shiny each morning but by noon a sticky, waxy film that attracts every hair, dust ball and cheddar bunny has covered it all. By 5pm it looks like it has been tarred and feathered. How about floors that are really grates so all the crumbs and dirt fall neatly to a place somewhere else. (Out of sight, out of mind.) Of course the grates will be decorative and made out of some material which feels like the tickling wings of a fairy.

Rotating Sheets: Many public restrooms now have these systems wherein a toilet seat protector rotates into a fresh one for each visitor. No more building a small nest or hovering until your quads give out. Let’s adapt this system for bed sheets. Having the in-laws for the week? With the simple press of a button, smooth, clean, 800-thread count sheets appear--and you have more time to enjoy...

Caffeinated Wine: The kids are asleep and you still have hours of work to do. Rocky Mountain Blend isn’t the flavor you crave...enough said.

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