Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Sexy Laugh for the Day

This is the funniest thing I have seen in a while...How Having a Toddler is Like Being at a Frat Party

UnSexy Snack of the Day case I needed reassurance as to why I don't eat meat:

There is an "underground" snack craze sweeping McDonald's Nation. It is called the Mc10:35.
This is the magical time when breakfast and lunch coincide in fast food heaven. Someone (with no job, life or knowledge of monosaturated fats) discovered you can order the last of the Egg Canadian Ham McMuffins at 10:34 then order the McDouble right after, since lunch starts at 10:35.

Then you throw away (actually they probably don't throw it away rather layering it with hashbrown and M and M McFlurry) one part of the English muffin and slam the McMuffin face down on the McDouble.

I seriously just vommed in my mouth--actually that's probably healthier than eating this.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Sexy Blood Work

This is the third time I have had a "fasting lab" scheduled. Basically, they starve you so they can check your cholesterol.

The first time, I honestly forgot and ate a full breakfast.

The second time I was quite aware due to the "DO NOT EAT YES THAT MEANS COFFEE, TOO" post-its all over the kitchen. However, I had to made cupcakes for a birthday that morning and rescheduling was worth eating a whole bowl of frosting. Frosting isn't technically food, but I thought the saturated fat ratio would most definitely skew the results.

I was fully prepared for this morning's lab. Like a marathon runner, I ate a massive amount of pasta last night right before bed. This backfired on many levels. Now I have been up since 4am, forbidden to touch coffee and no joke, had to make cookies and brownies for a meeting at my husband's office.

I am staring at two bowls just asking to be licked. I feel like a 12-year old boy at a Hooter's.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

UnSexy Incident of the Day

After spending a lovely morning with Baby Boy at the Vegetarian Food Festival, I stopped by the grocery store to pick up makings for Rice Crispy Treats for a birthday party.

Life felt pretty light.

Halfway down the Baking Aisle, a man approached me with a box of salt.

"What's the difference between regular and iodized salt?" he asked.

I was ready to hear a joke, and said I had always wondered that myself.

"Do you know what that means?" He leaned in close to my face.



Sigh. At least I have Rice Crispy Treats to look forward to...

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Sexy Yet-to-Be-Invented Inventions

My Sexy Cleaning Products blog of last week inspired my column in the paper for this week. It expands on the thought that there isn't any reason mundane tasks can't be made better, if not sexier. Read on:

Save for the guys on Deadliest Catch, I dare say Motherhood is the hardest job in the world. If you disagree, you have never tried to coax your little one to go potty in a Target bathroom all while never touching anything and knowing your cart is being ransacked on the other side.

I have come up with several inventions that will certainly make Life as Mom easier. The problem is due to my outstanding lackadaisicalness, I give up soon after conception. I am sharing my ideas in hopes someone will see them to completion and send me a big check.

Drive-Thru Everything: God Bless Starbucks and any other coffee shop that has a drive-thru. Nothing is worse than passing up caffeine because it is raining and Baby is finally fast asleep in the backseat. I will up the ante on this genius and suggest Drive-Thru Bathrooms. Imagine a car wash style enclosure where you pull into a climate-controlled bay and can go to the bathroom without passing cars asking if they need to call AAA.

Top-Shelf Cleaning Products:

Dear Makers of Household Cleaning Products, I would be more inclined to buy your products if, instead of giving me headaches with nauseating and unrealistic scents such as Vanilla Sky and Lavender Mountain Mist, you had a selection geared toward what Moms really desire. May I suggest: Gin and Tonic, 5-Carat Diamond Ring, Silk Pajamas, Cupcakes That Won't Make You Fat, You are Way Too Pretty to be Cleaning this Toilet and Godiva Hazelnut Truffle.

Invisible Fence for Kids: It works great to keep the dog from eating the neighbor’s trash so the next logical step is a containment system for toddlers. I appreciate the exercise of chasing Baby Boy up the driveway All. Day. Long. but it would be nice to have the security of knowing that before he crosses the road a small “zzzzt” would remind him that getting run over by a truck isn’t fun.

Updated Kitchen Floors: Ask any mom what her least favorite thing to clean is. “The Kitchen floor,” so comes the agitated reply. It starts out shiny each morning but by noon a sticky, waxy film that attracts every hair, dust ball and cheddar bunny has covered it all. By 5pm it looks like it has been tarred and feathered. How about floors that are really grates so all the crumbs and dirt fall neatly to a place somewhere else. (Out of sight, out of mind.) Of course the grates will be decorative and made out of some material which feels like the tickling wings of a fairy.

Rotating Sheets: Many public restrooms now have these systems wherein a toilet seat protector rotates into a fresh one for each visitor. No more building a small nest or hovering until your quads give out. Let’s adapt this system for bed sheets. Having the in-laws for the week? With the simple press of a button, smooth, clean, 800-thread count sheets appear--and you have more time to enjoy...

Caffeinated Wine: The kids are asleep and you still have hours of work to do. Rocky Mountain Blend isn’t the flavor you crave...enough said.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

How Coconut MandM's Saved a Man's Life

I was at the grocery store yesterday afternoon. As I was perusing the eggplants, I felt someone standing way to close to me. Then a voice said in my ear, "Damn that I never got to hit that."

I turned around to see an odious man decked out like he was a coach for a little league game with a boozy smile staring at my boobs.

As I opened my mouth to berate him with words way above his level of understanding, he got an eye-level view of what a chewed-up handful of coconut M and M's looks like.

I guess that was all the motivation he needed to flee the scene.

Bless you tiny bits of chocolately heaven. Bless you on so many levels.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Sexy Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (fridge)

After a wonderful playdate with Auntie Sabrina and her fabulous sons, I entered the house (T-minus 25-minutes til Bethanny Getting Married on TiVo, I mean Naptime) and I hear three quick beeps. Then again...again...again.

I figured a toy had been left but after a tedious game of "Where the F&%# is that noise coming from?!!" I realized it was the house alarm system kindly letting me know the "Kitchen Heat Battery Low."

I called Cindy at the alarm company.

"You need to get the monitor and let me know what model number it is," she said.

"God forbid they keep this seemingly vital information in their computer," I thought as I stared 9-feet into the air where the monitor hangs over the fridge.

I would have let it go but there was no way Baby Boy would nap with this torturous noise.

"Hold on," I sighed and put Cindy down to wait on the counter. I dragged a stool over to the fridge but couldn't quite reach. I managed to climb on top of the fridge cabinet and snatched the monitor off the wall when....


The tell-tale sound of the chair being pulled across the floor.

"OOOOOO NOOOOOO Baby--uh-uh Mommy needs that chair!"

That made him drag it faster away laughing and yelling "NO NO NO!!"

Long story short: I ended up having to hang from the cabinets and drop several feet onto the floor while Cindy got to hear a creative thesaurus of "Oh darn!"

The worst part is that I saw what happens when you don't dust the tops of things for 6-years.

Guess where I'm heading now....

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Sexy Stuffed Car

Baby Boy and I were just going to spend one night at "Ama's" house last night. This 17-hour stay included: a duffle bag for his "buddees," blankets and cars; a bag for his diapers and clothes; my bag, a cooler for his food; his diaper bag and another bag for his books and toys he can't be separated from on threat of major screams; the 80-lb dog; his food and bed and toys.

This is why I never leave the house.

As I was stuffing the last bag in and shutting the trunk before it busted out, the man coming to fix the water heater showed up.

"What you guys goin' on vacation for the week?"

"Yes, yes we are," I nodded with a smile.

Easier to lie than scare this man from forever having kids.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Sexy Housecleaning Idea of the Day

Dear Makers of Household Cleaning Products,

I would be more inclined to buy your products if, instead of giving me headaches with nauseating scents such as Vanilla Sky and Lavender Mountain Mist, you had flavors such as Gin and Tonic, 5-Carat Diamond Ring, Silky Nighty, Cupcakes That Won't Make You Fat, You are Way Too Pretty to be Cleaning this Toilet and Godiva Hazelnut Truffle.

Figure it Out.

Somewhat sincerely,
Sexy Momma-who-wishes-she-could-find-someone-to-clean-her-house-as-well-as-she-does for-the-same-price.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Sexy Scandalous Stroller--Part Deux

Not even 24-hours after Gigi ( found her new home, Baby Boy made clear who his first love is and will always be...

(Heard in the background: huge sigh of relief from Darling Husband.)

Friday, June 11, 2010

Sexy Scandalous Stroller.

The Forbidden Kitchen ( now has a friend: Gigi and her Scandalous Stroller.

A few weeks ago I asked Baby Boy what he wanted for dinner.

"Fish and pea!"

"A baby doll??!!" I screech.

"Noooo, mama. Fish and..."

Too late. I was on Amazon ordering the pinkest baby doll and stroller I could find. (You don't need to assume I am filling my own selfish void here, I readily admit that.)

It arrived today.

"Who is that for," queried Darling Husband as I ripped open the pink box.

"Look Babes! Your sister came!" I thrust the doll at BB.

"Ooooooh," he said as he jammed a finger into the glass eyes.

After arguing over who was going to put together the stroller (the instructions were in French and they don't teach you stroller instructions in French class--maybe they do but I was pretty stoned through most of college), I ended up faking my way through it.

We watched BB for almost an hour play with Gigi.

"This is the best sixty bucks we ever spent," I happily sighed.

"Wait, HOW much did you spend on that?"

Don't you wish you could treat pending fights like a bad cell phone?

"Ooops, wait. I'm losing you...heading into a dead zone..."


Thursday, June 10, 2010

Sexy Drink of the Day!

Baby Boy has found his new favorite drink: apple tea.
We have tea parties all day long complete with plastic cupcakes and band aids.
I made the mistake of giving him his drink and slipping back into pre-baby days, called it an Appletini.
Ask me how the neighbors, friends, DHS, and family (especially Darling Husband) are judging me when Baby Boy is running with his sippy cup screaming, "Appletini! Cheers!"

Monday, June 7, 2010

Sexy Random Toddler Observations of the Day

1) You never realize how many trucks and busses are on the roads until you have a two-year old boy.

1b) The amount of sharp, plastic, cars he MUST sleep with has far surpassed the number of soft, cuddley lambs.

2) Should you ever tell said two-year old boy that Daddy left the room to go poop, every single person in any situation who leaves a room after that is (at top of the lungs) "GO POOP!"

3) Said two-year old won't even let me think about snuggle-time, but will catch me off guard with a pat on the back and a "Momma my buddeeee."

4) Never make the mistake (again) of telling said toddler "Nana is up in the sky in a plane." I am still cleaning up of the confusion of him saying "Nana up" and everyone thinking she died.

5) I think I run 28-miles a day chasing him when he escapes up the driveway or down to the lake. So much for saying I will never run a marathon.

6) Even when said two-year old is having a no-good-horrible-very-bad-day, you still think they are pretty damn cool.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Sexy Land Line

We are archaic and still use a landline. A few months ago I found receiver #1 floating in the toilet and yesterday Receiver #2 found a similar watery fate in the dog dish. We cannot go "all cell" in our house because our woodsy locale makes reception impossible--save for one tiny square by the back door, but I don't think impending rapists and robbers would give us the respect to at least attempt to get into "reception position" and call 911.

Off to Radio Shack.

Out of all the phones, the only option was a slim, sleek and sexy vtech (same company that makes Leap Frog!) with THREE handsets.

I let Baby Boy play away with the model as I fetched the salesman.

When the salesman came back he told me the floor model was all that was left so we would have to buy that. Out of the corner of my eye I saw BB simultaneously licking one handset and banging another on the shelf.

Granted that would happen at home anyway, but I wanted the dignity of at least leaving the store without a molested item.

"I really think that is the one you have to, I mean, should buy," was his polite sales pitch as receiver #3 hit me in the leg.

Who put those where toddlers can reach them anyway??

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Sexy Idea of the Day

Why hasn't anyone figured out how to put caffeine in wine yet--I mean, it is only a matter of time before 9am is the new happy hour.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Sexy Shiner

I woke up with a black eye this morning. Not a typical below-the-eye-bar-fight, but one across the brow bone of my right eye.

I was looking in the mirror wondering who had broken in and done perfect cat-eye make-up on me (and further more why they hadn't done it to both eyes), when I realized it really hurt.

To DH: Look, you must have hit me in your sleep.

He raised his eyes.

"You don't remember?"


Apparently, I ransacked him in his sleep to do the deed at about 4am. At some point during my head swirl serenade, I slammed into the headboard, said "OW" and fell back asleep.

I am so bummed I can't remember the dream leading up to that!!!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Sexy Subliminal Messages

I know this will shock you (since now that I have my flat(ish) tummy back) but I really want another baby.

Darling Husband does not.

We have started this tit-for-tat game.

(Me) "Aw, look he just kissed you all by himself! Wouldn't that feel even better if you had a daughter kissing you on the other side?"

(Him) "Then I would have spaghetti sauce on BOTH sleeves of my favorite white linen shirt."

The other night we had people over for dinner. I told them that at various times throughout the evening to softly say in the vicinity of DH, "You want another baby." And then carry on with their conversation.

As in...

"The weather has been so (you want another baby) humid lately. My hair is a mess."

This subliminal messaging went brilliantly--until the next morning.

DH: "Last night was fun but I think I drank too much. It was weird, I kept getting this uncontrollable urge to have another brandy."

Point taken.