Once you have read your child's favorite book 10,000 times, you start to recreate the story to entertain yourself. I am about to hide Pat the Bunny for a few days (out of sight, out of mind) but before I do, here is my vandalized version:
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Pat the Wifey
Once you have read your child's favorite book 10,000 times, you start to recreate the story to entertain yourself. I am about to hide Pat the Bunny for a few days (out of sight, out of mind) but before I do, here is my vandalized version:
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Sexy True Love
I have found True Love and its name is Magic Eraser! Is there nothing you can't do???
Sexy REAL Dalmatians
I don’t know if scientists have isolated the Norman Rockwell chemical that is released in the brain when one has a child but it is responsible for the parental romanticizing of family outings. Even a mundane trip to the market is an idyllic painting with Baby Boy skipping through piles of fresh produce as I gently select the ripest specimens for the pie all of us will create from scratch that eve.
However, that snapshot excludes toppling displays of paper towels, flour all over the floor and The Dog scarfing down all of the ingredients as I scream for the billionth time,
“Oven! Hot! Danger! Sssssssssszzzzzzz” (that is what I imagine replicates the sizzling sound of flesh touching the broiler.)
We purchased tickets to 101 Dalmatians the Musical in Boston for the day after Christmas. The selling point was that they had rescued shelter dogs and trained them to be in the show. Real dogs! Sure, Baby Boy is only 19-months old, but we were certain that his obsession with canines would have him riveted, thus quiet and still.
We imagined our family trip to Boston: all dressed up to go to the ever-stunning Wang Theatre; taking in the show (culture!); surprising Baby Boy with a stop at FAO Schwarz; then a scrumptious dinner and back home.
In the weeks leading up, we told Baby Boy of the play we were taking him to where real, live pups would be jumping and dancing just for him. His eyes would get huge and happy and he would let out a breathless, “Hoof, hoof,” which is what he thinks dogs say.
All the road stops at Starbucks must have affected him because once in our seats he continuously rolled from my lap to Darling Husband’s never failing to kick the heads of the patrons in front of us.
“Honey, just sit and wait. The real doggies will be coming out any minute!”
Roll, kick, roll, kick. Never has my son received so many over-the-shoulder dirty looks.
Darling Husband finally took him to run in the lobby as I sat there more horrified at the talk of drowning the puppies (because Dalmatian puppies don’t have spots) and wanting to skin them for coats. Am I just oversensitive in my vegetarian days or is this just macabre?
By intermission no real dogs had made an appearance and none of the ushers could tell us when they would be on stage. One mentioned he “saw some real dogs in the alleyway across the street eating old Chinese food if that would make the kid happy.”
I guess his head kicking reputation had gotten out.
We left, tails between our legs.
Definitely a trip to the biggest toy store would make up for our lies of performing pooches.
“Oh, wait until you see this toy store, Buddy! There is a clock that sings to you and you can pick out any toy you want and then we will eat ice cream!”
His hands clapped in glee.
We walked up and down the wind tunnel that is Boylston ankle deep in frozen crust as the stroller angrily lurched on the uneven ice.
I finally ducked into City Sports to ask.
“Ah, dude that closed like three years ago,” a Team Player said.
“Like gone, gone?”
“Like goooooone.”
Crap.
Baby Boy’s limit on broken promises is two. His howl signified this trip was over. We thawed out in Au Bon Pain. Baby Boy sat eating fruit as Darling Husband and I wallowed in our shame.
“He will never believe anything else we tell him,” I wailed as I scolded my tongue on mediocre coffee.
A very attractive older couple I had noticed earlier stopped by our table.
“We just wanted to tell you what a gorgeous son you have,” the silver haired lady smiled. “So happy and well-behaved!”
Baby Boy stroked her fur coat, his mouth stuffed with grapes.
“We don’t have kids of our own, but it is always nice to see families with good children.”
The man leaned in, “Do you like doggies, Captain?”
“Hoof! Hoof!”
“Well, you should ask your parents to take you to see 101 Dalmatians, I hear there are real dogs!”
I guess parents aren’t the only ones cursed with the Norman Rockwell genes.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Sexy Disclosure
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Wuz the Nite b4 Xmas, Redux
T’was two nights before Christmas and all through the mall
Last minute shoppers began a calamitous crawl.
The stockings were hung, their insides still bare
Wives’ expectations were high, so buyer beware!
The children were texting from their designer beds
While visions of foreclosure danced in my head.
And mama in her Gucci and I on the couch,
(That will teach me to be a Holiday Grouch.)
When out on the street there rose such a ruckus
I slumped back in the leather, hoped it was bupkus.
It just got louder so I turned on the TV
That’s all you can do when the sun sets at 3.
Before the Wii fired up, a knock at the door
There stood a man claiming, “I’m poor.”
His eyes were sunken, overall he looked sick
But he kept saying his name was St. Nick.
“Prove it,” I said, “where is your sleigh?”
“It got repoed,” he sighed. “The deer ran away.
I’ve been living in the park under the trees.
My life is over; no one believes.”
I asked him to come in, got him a drink
Which he gulped right down, thanked with a wink.
It was in that little moment I knew
what this old man was saying had to be true.
“Start from the beginning. What happened, St. Nick?
What happened to Santa, so lively and quick?”
He started speaking as the clock gently ticked
“It’s the children,” he cried. “They don’t see the magic.
They have their fancy gadgets and expensive jeans
They have lost all concept of what this holiday means.
All they care about is what they get at the store
They certainly don’t need elves and me anymore.”
As he sat there crying I suddenly realized
I had become what I’d always despised:
Someone focused on what I could buy,
Time with my family? I hardly ever try.
I’m living to work and ignoring my life
I can’t remember kissing my wife.
When the kids climb on me, I tell them to scat
Really, what kind of father treats them like that?
It is all so vapid, those boxes and bows
Substituting time watching them grow.
In a few short years they will be on their own
What happens then to my baby birds flown?
“Santa, what can I do to make it all better?”
From his foul coat he pulled out a letter.
I recognized the envelope though it was ripped
It was my very own childhood script.
“There was a time when you did believe
In the magic that this season weaves.
Remember that feeling and pass it along
And soon we can right this terrible wrong.”
I promised I would give it a try
and hugged him as we said goodbye.
Then he turned as he walked out of sight
“Now go give your family a big kiss goodnight.”
Monday, December 21, 2009
Sexy Mush
Sexy Stocking Stuffer
I was in French Club in High School. In order to raise money for a trip to France (that we were never allowed to go on) we sold Toblerone Candy Bars. For those of you missing out on this bit of bliss, they are triangular chocolate bars filled with honey and almond nougat. Right??
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Sexy Pap
Monday, December 14, 2009
Sexy Santa
My Christmas wish is for an Anti-Santa to come and take all the toys that have taken over my living room AWAY!!
Sunday, December 13, 2009
The Sexy Unfound
When I was in college, my roommate and I rescued (or stole, depending on what side of the law you are on) a pair of ferrets from the animal lab. Poor little things had numbers tattooed across their necks and one was almost blind. We named them Opal and Saturday.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Sexy Snow Day
Sadly, when you are a mom and the radio blares that school is cancelled, rarely that means rolling back into sweet slumber until noon. Kids smell "Day Off" at 5 am and start the day with the gusto of a bride at the Filene's Basement wedding dress sale.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Sexy Slips
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Sexy AA
Friday, December 4, 2009
Sexy Scientist?
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Sexy Sharing
When I was young and people mentioned Black Friday, I became very scared. For some reason, I believed I would be forced to eat black jelly beans all day and mandatory licorice is a terrifying concept to a seven-year old. Not that the real Black Friday is any better--shopping at Walmart at 4 a.m. is akin to drinking cod liver oil after brushing your teeth. (No offense to those of you who enjoy the taste of minty fish.)
Black Friday is called such because it is usually the day retailers move from “the red” into turning a profit. Black is a gloomy (albeit slimming) color. A day of complete unbridled spending on everything you never knew Person X really needed should at least be called Maroon Friday, which is the color of buyer’s remorse.
This year I propose we invent a new type of Friday that pulls away from the in-your-face marketing of the season and gets back to basics. I seem to recall lyrics from a Christmas carol mentioning compassion, reflection and loving your neighbor--though I could be confusing that with an episode of Desperate Housewives.
Pink Friday: a day of total selflessness. While I agree supporting the economy is vital, there will be ample time for last minute crusades to find the perfect, or at least returnable, gift. Let’s take this one day to support those who really need help, not argyle socks.
Here are some wonderful causes to inspire your inner-elf:
The Elephant Sanctuary in Tennessee; elephants.com. They provide care for sick, old and needy elephants that have been removed from zoos or circuses. $30 feeds an elephant for a day. They also educate the public on the crises facing elephants in the wild as well as in captivity. If you ever are in the area they welcome volunteers.
Your local animal shelter or Petfinder.com: Along with the housing crisis came an overabundance of pets dropped at shelters. If considering giving into Jr’s obvious hints for a pooch or feline, please adopt rather than buying one at a pet store. Adopting our dog was one of the most wonderful things we have done for our family.
A Billion for a Billion; www.wfp.org/1billion: The World Food Programme launched a campaign that challenges the billion internet users to help feed the billion starving people in the world. Just a $5.00 donation feeds a baby for a year. $50.00 feeds a school-aged child for a year.
Blessings in a Backpack; blessingsinabackpack.org: One in six American children don’t know where their next meal is coming from. In a country like ours, that statistic is disgusting. This charity sends children home with a backpack filled with food each weekend. $80.00 feeds one child for a weekend for the entire school year.
Any Soldier; http://anysoldier.com: This organization puts your mail and packages into the grateful hands of the soldiers overseas that don’t receive a lot, if any, mail.
Give Yourself: donate blood; pick up trash around your neighborhood; work in a soup kitchen; read to the elderly; smile at a stranger; use your local library; ask a teenager what music you should listen to...there are tons of ways we can all help make our communities the places we want them to be.
Shop Locally: If the potent pull of Black Friday’s deals is too much for you, then please support your local boutiques, artisans and watering holes. As much as I love Starbucks and Target, we need to maintain the charm and uniqueness that makes our cities shine, regardless of how much tinsel we throw around.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Unsexy Walk
So in a moment of feeling jiggly, I gathered Boy and Dog up for a jaunt around the neighborhood. I figured that should be good for 3 or 4 pounds of post-stuffing/mashed potatoes/gravy mixed with apple pie in one bowl water weight.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Unsexy Positions
Thursday, November 19, 2009
These Boots are Made for...
Monday, November 16, 2009
A-B-C is as Easy as....$7500.00
What is Unsexy are my bubbies. They were fine pre-baby--not huge, but at least they didn't go through the days staring at my feet. I never had a problem with them--except when once during foreplay, a boy said they were "cute and perky," which really isn't the most sensual language one can hear. Next time we fooled around, I told him his P was "cute and perky." We never saw each other again.
Friday, November 13, 2009
G2GUL Friday! Sexy White Dessert
Happy Guaranteed to Get You Laid Friday! Many places are getting their first dusting of snow so in celebration of the beginning of winter, here is A Sexy White Dessert. This is such a sensual, romantic dessert that can get you into trouble once you start researching creative ways to eat it.
A Sexy White Dessert – Strawberry Zabaglione
2 eggs
30g golden caster sugar
2tbsp marsala
90ml double cream, softly whipped
25 strawberries, 7 pureed, the rest kept whole
small biscuits to decorate
Put the eggs, sugar, marsala and a pinch of salt in a large glass bowl. Fill another larger bowl with iced water and set aside. Put the first bowl over (not in) a pan of simmering water. Whisk the mixture with electric beaters until very thick or about 3 times the volume. Remove from the heat and set inside the bowl of iced water, then whisk again until cold. Fold in the whipped cream and pour into glasses. Swirl a spoonful of the puree through each. Decorate with whole strawberries, then chill for at least 3 hours before serving.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Guilt isn't Sexy
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Unsexy Noises
Monday, November 9, 2009
Sexy Clean Pantry
My big project for Sexy Naptime was to completely gut and reorganize my pantry. What sparked this was Darling Husband informing me that canned tomatoes were now supposedly poisonous. Apparently, the acid in the tomatoes causes BPA lining the cans to leach into my famed spaghetti sauce. I did some unscientific research and found no conclusive results regarding Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. However, the thought of a spotless pantry was as intoxicating as swimming in champagne.
Since we are a mostly vegetarian household, I pulled scads of chicken stock, soups and other things along with the allegedly evil cans of tomatoes that easily filled two giant drum liners.
Enter ethical dilemma.
I hate wasting food, so the thought of these bounteous bags getting tossed at the dump made me cringe. On the other hand, is it OK to offload these unopened yet mostly expired (potentially BPA-ridden) goods at the closest food pantry?
This is the time of year when do-gooding is done. Schools, businesses and charities conduct food drives all over the city. Most people grab whatever cans have the most dust on them and never give it another thought. But consider the ones who end up with your neglected cans. If you didn’t eat your olives or (I’m not making this up) pork brains in milk gravy, chances are they won’t be fighting over them at the church either.
Food pantries are not a place to dump whatever is leftover or cheap. The majority of donated foods are high in sodium and lacking in nutritional value. There is a rising number of children who receive donated food items. Think about what these growing kids, who are already questioning where their next meal will come from, need to thrive. What do you feed your own kids? Whole grains and pasta, canned vegetables and fruits they’ll actually eat, low sodium soups, granola bars, crackers and peanut butter and throw in some cookies, they are kids after all.
When you shop for your own family, buy a few duplicate items to drop off with your kids so they can see first hand how some people live rather than ignoring your dinnertime speeches about all the hungry kids that would kill for that squash.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Sexy Red
I am now a red head again--nothing makes me feel more sexy or confident than have vibrant red hair. I highly recommend if you are craving a change...
Sexy Scrabble
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Unsexy Vote
Monday, November 2, 2009
Unsexy/Sexy Halloween
Another Halloween has passed, i.e. Dress up as a Slutty nurse/teacher/bunny Day--damn those slutty rabbits! My BFF and I dressed as Before and Afters--she was the Before in black stilettos, black dress, pink apron, perfect hair and nails, holding a tray of handmade meat pies. I, the After, dressed in rollers, bright green cleansing mask (which was actually frosting b/c the mask, when dry, made it impossible to speak), unflattering pajamas, slippers and I held a bottle of wine called Mad Housewife.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Hair of the Bloody Dog
After Halloween haunts you with a hangover, mix up a batch of these to squash your ache and pains. When the kids start crying at 6am on Sunday, you are going to need some Sexy help...until you can nap that afternoon. Here's to tricking your treats...
The Classic Bloody Mary
- 1 quart tomato juice
- 1 cup vodka
- 1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
- 1 tablespoon fresh lime juice
- 1/2 teaspoon Tabasco Sauce
- lime slices
- celery stalks (optional)
- add a dash of top shelf tequila for an extra kiss of death
- top with a jumbo shrimp
Thursday, October 29, 2009
2 Fridges, 1 Cup
I am fridge whore. I love them. So much that I have two. It is the only place I am organized. Every time one is opened it is like looking into a magazine; all labels facing outward, rows organized by type and purpose, leafy greens bursting from the drawers. The garage fridge is for the booze and overflow of Baby's milk, juice and yogurts...we haven't grabbed the wrong item yet!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
I NEED to Pee
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Flushing out the Period Panties
Friday, October 23, 2009
G2GUL Friday!
Annnnnnd it is Guaranteed to Get U Laid Friday! The best day of the week because...well, it works!
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Thursday, October 22, 2009
Arouse the Senses...all 8 of them
In Kindergarten, the whole year is spent smelling (some awful things no doubt), feeling (after a lesson on "above the waist only, dear), tasting (oooh, not off the floor!!) etc. After we are 5, it seems we spend less time on percolating the senses and that is a shame, because when they are all firing, we get some lovely responses.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Detox Your Box
I received an email about a charity event coming up called "Detox your Toybox." I assume it is to donate under-used toys. Though funny how when faced with parting with a truck that hasn't been touched in months, all of a sudden it is Baby Boy's "most favorite." Cleaning out clutter is a wonderful way to spend a Sexy Naptime--or twelve--you can wear the frilly outfit if it makes you feel better.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Child Proofing Makes You THIN
I have been exaggerating for months that my son can walk.
Two nights ago however, Baby Boy got up and walked across the room
We dusted off the child proof kit we purchased when we heard moms brag that
Knowing Baby Boy was way more brilliant and physically advanced
“Yes, I’m right there with you Sara,” my eyes darting around the room for objects
Now the lies were back to haunt us.
Hours later we had baby proofed everything in the house.
We had adult-proofed the damn house while my son could
After a few days of starving and peeing on the floors, we removed (with force)